All I Want for Christmas...

The pail glow of the rainbow lights hanging on the branches of our Christmas tree cast a dim illumination around me. The fire is popping and cracking away. A romantic movie on TV. I'm all bundled up on the couch with a glass of wine, and Ricco snoozing right beside me. With all this beauty around me, I should be as content as can be. But I guess that's why they say the holidays are so hard. Its the perfect time to be reminded of how alone you are. 

Couples swoon as they window shop at the malls and shops around town. People plan ways to make the people in their lives happy. Even at work I cant escape it. Couples come in for romantic candle light dinners, and it makes me want it all. 

This time last year I was in something resembling a relationship... but it wasn't what I wanted. There was no overly romantic holiday moments. The ones that make singles sick and couples fall deeper in love. And I found comfort in the idea that things couldn't stay like this for long. I was sure that by this year I would have found happiness. Yet here I am, as lost as ever, if not more. 

I would give anything to go back to the days when I was a kid. When I really believed that a cute chubby man all dressed in red, with a beard as white as snow was going to come down the chimney and bring me everything I could ever want.

But we all know how that goes... 

So here's my Christmas wish this year...

I wish that that this new year will bring new beginnings. I wish that me and all of the people I love will find peace and happiness in everything we do. But most of all I wish that I can find my way back home. I wish I can find myself again, and be the person I know I am. 

Well, here's to another year come and gone. Here's to the hope of the new year. And I hope everyone has a beautiful and magical holiday. 

What a Beautiful Disaster...

This life is such a fickle thing. I find myself lost in the winding labyrinth of my day to day life and emotions. There are so many days when things just feel so hopeless. Like this uneasy, complex situation I find myself in is now the new normal. I wake up with a knot in my stomach, afraid of what that day may throw my way. I see the people around me living their lives in this strange, distant way. They all buzz around me, moving forward, for better or for worse and I'm stuck watching, trying desperately to connect, some way, anyway to them again. Yet I feel like I get left behind, and I'm slipping further and further back.

Then, one day, out of no where, I wake up and see the sun shining through the cracks in the shades covering my bedroom window. I smell fresh coffee, I see my little dog ricco, fast asleep on the pillow next to me, and there's no knot. I open the curtains and feel the sun on my face and am totally absorbed in the simple, yet mystifying beauty of the blue sky, the green grass, the now red and yellow leaves of the trees in my front yard. I feel this welling up of hope and trust and love for this beautiful disaster of a life I'm living. I'm sitting all alone in the middle of my living room, yet I don't feel lonely. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am in love with someone, who will probably never love me back. Yet I revel in the fact that I feel love. I know the struggles,and fears of the people around me, and instead of feel pity, I feel compassion, I understand, and relate. I have this strange sense of faith that one day it will all be ok, and this is not the new normal. This is simply a transition stage. Everything changes, and change is hard, and takes time.  

This world isn't half as bad as I sometimes paint it to be. Things get messy and complicated. This life sometimes begins to feel like far too much to handle. There will always be that moment when I feel like giving up completely. But Ive been blessed to have a strong will. The will to push forward, to be brave, and strong and smart. To know that this life is so amazing, and find the absolute and utter beauty in everything and everyone I see. Ive been blessed to have talent,and common sense, and wonderful people in my life. Ive known more love in the short time Ive been on this earth than some people ever dream to have. 

So sometimes I hurt, and some times I cry, even for no reason. Sometimes I curse his name because I cant get his face out of my mind when all I want to do is, not feel this way about him. Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try I will never be the person every one thinks I am, or should be. Sometimes I drink a little too much, sometimes I cuss. I'm not perfect and I will probably disappoint a lot of people at one point or another in my life, and probably more than once...

But despite all of that, I will be happy. I will live a lovely and fulfilling life. I will accomplish many things. I will shine and glitter the way I know in my heart I'm meant to. I will be everything I'm meant to be. I will not sit around and wait for this life to open up to me, I will go out and make my own path. Ill discover, and love with all my heart and soul. 

I will enjoy this life...

♥

She's Living My Life!!

So I have good news and bad news...

The good news is, I finally have my baby boy Ricco back home with me! I got to pick him up today and he is officially mine again! Its so nice to have him with me again. I missed him like crazy!

The bad news, seeing "Him" again opened up a bunch of old scars. I walked into his beautiful apartment, nicely furnished, beautifully decorated. Fresh Christmas tree shining in the corner. I saw pictures in frames all around me. Shoes lines up at the front door, dogs jumping around, and him, standing right in the middle of all of it. The happiness and love and contentment I felt surrounding this life got into my heart and under my skin. Then I realized... he's not mine anymore. He hasn't been for a long time. This life, this beautiful life I'd always dreamed of, the life I always thought we would share, was being lived by someone else. 

She'd just come into his life! I was the one who put in the time! I cried over him, I let him cry on my shoulder.  I went through hell and back for no reason, all because I loved him so much. I helped him though the darkest part of his life. I had the strength to give him up, so that he could go and do the right thing. And he came back to me. I spent years with him. I thought it would be forever. Then things went wrong, and it all fell apart. He broke my heart! I should hate him, never want to see him again. But when I see him, or talk to him, I feel this twinge in my heart. He's never really left. 

All I want is to move on. I want to be happy. I want that life, the life I deserve. I deserve to be happy. I want to feel that connection with someone again. Seeing him, so happy and in love, its like a double edged sword. It kills me because it should have been me, it was supposed to be me! That kills me... The other edge gives me hope, it gives me hope that its out there and its real. That I can find it, it can be mine too. And ironically, that kills me also. It kills me because I want it so bad. I want this twinge in my heart and stop. I don't want to feel so alone anymore. 

Memo to all the guys in this world...

Alright guys, I'm gonna do you a favor. Here is what us women want, plain simple and honest. We aren't all looking for the six foot, four, blond hair, blue eyed, Hollister model. You don't have to go out of your way and make these huge, grand gestures. You don't have to spend a fortune, or bend over backwards to make us happy. You don't have to be some hung like a horse sex god, or wanna be porn star. I mean, don't get me wrong, a girl can dream... but you would be surprised at how simple it is to make a good girl happy.

All we want, all we really need is someone who gives a shit. A guy who can be happy just the way he is and know what he is worth, and be content in that. Someone who is happy and not to tough to be excited about it. A guy who will hold us close when we cry, and up when we need a little boost. Someone to be proud of us, even if its just for opening the mayo jar without your help. A man who can understand that sometimes you need to be with your friends, but it doesn't mean you don't love him. He wont play with your emotions, or treat you like just some conquest. He'll text you at lunch just to make sure you feel special, what ever you may be doing. He will take you ice skating, even if it means making a total fool of himself when he falls on his ass, because the smile on your face makes it all worth it. He never takes himself to seriously, but has real goals and ambition that will take him places.   

So boys, my question to you is this... how hard is that!?! 

Scared of the Truth, but Tired of Lies...

So remember that "new guy" I wrote about a few weeks ago? Ya, well he turned out to be a complete pig! A lire and just a complete ass hole. So there is yet another notch to add to the belt that is my failed love life. And I've realized that all these jerks I keep dating have caused all of these walls of mine to get taller and stronger, and now I've become my own worst enemy. I'm so sick of guys who see women as nothing but something to use to get what they really want. I'm sick of guys who have no interest in actually being with the girls they want so desperately to sleep with. Then once they do, they bail. What I don't understand is, why try so hard? I'm sure there are plenty of easy girls out there who you could get into be with out having to take them out, put on your stupid, yet convincing dog and pony show. Why is it necessary to hurt the "good girls"? Just because your self worth is all screwed up, don't try to bring me down to your level... I could go on for days! But I'm getting off topic.

The point of this rant is, that because Ive had my trust violated so many times, I'm having a really hard time letting anyone in anymore. Ive met someone. Another someone. Someone I think may actually be a nice guy, a "good guy". But I've numbed myself so much to the point that idk if I can let go enough to make this happen. I have fun with him, he's sweet and funny. He's quirky and a little shy. He's a gentleman. Yet, for some reason, I cant seem to let go and trust him. I cant seem to be myself completely because I'm afraid. I don't even really know what I'm so afraid of. I'm just tired of feeling like maybe I'm not worth all that I think, and I don't think I can handle another rejection. 

So where do I go from here? I promised myself I would never be jaded, or let what other people do turn my heart and mind cold. But I think I might be there. And It breaks my heart. I want to give this a chance. I feel like I may have a chance to have something good again, but I'm so sick of hurting and I don't wanna get my hopes up. 

This is such a frustrating feeling...

So...here I am again, sitting home alone, thinking. Which we all know can be pretty dangerous for me. But recently my mind has been on a strange track. I cant seem to stop thinking about the future. My senior year in the band is quickly coming to a close( only one more home game!!) and its really got me kinda freaked out. I feel like I'm graduating high school again or something. I think about the fact that this amazing experience is almost over makes me sooo sad! I feel like I'm gonna be loosing so many important people in my life. All of my friends, people who have been supporting me, people I've spent so much time in the last 4 years with. these people, my tuba boys, they have become my family! And the fact that I'm gonna be leaving them makes me feel like I'm gonna be loosing a part of myself. 

then on top of that, I'm scared out of my mind! What is my life gonna be like once this is all over? I put so much of my time into this and I feel like it makes up so much of my life and who I am. What am I gonna do? Who am I gonna be now? As much as I'm tired and burnt out, and just ready to not have to worry about 6:09am call times and uniform melt downs, I don't know if I'm ready to let go of the experience. But I know that I have to. I cant stay, I cant drag myself through another season. I've gotten what I needed out of all of this and now its time to move on. I need to do something with my life. Its time to really buckle down and make the decisions that will shape the rest of my life. 

Its been an amazing ride. I'll never forget this part of my life. I will forever look back on these years and smile because it made me so happy and miserable and special and crazy all at once. Ill never forget the people who made it amazing. And I know I will always secretly wish I could come back to this time, this moment that I realized how beautiful this crazy experience has been. Ill always wish I could go back and slow these years down and cherish every second of it. 

So here's to the most amazing thing I've ever done. Here's to moving on to bigger and brighter things. Here's to figuring out who I am and loving the next chapter of my life as much as I loved this one.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams"

~ Elinor Roosevelt

The good old days...

I remember back when I was a kid and I used to LOVE Halloween. We would go to school and there was candy and parties and all our friends where there. I remember coming home and helping my mom decorate the house. We would spread the fake spider webs, and ghosts, around the front yard. then we would all sit around the table, all covered with news papers, and carve pumpkins. Then my dad would put the candles in them and set them on the planters in the front and my sister and I would change into our costumes. My mom would do our hair and make up and we would always look so cool. Then a whole group of the neighbor kids and parents would get together and we would all go walking through the neighborhood, trick or treating. We knew all the neighbors, and they all new us. It was like a giant block party. We didn't have to worry about poisoned candy, and kidnapping. It was just everyone being happy and having a good time. Then we would all gather at one of our friends houses and have a pot luck dinner. Home made tacos, soup, BBQ, tons of awesome food. Then we would all go home, change back into our regular old selves, crawl into our nice warm beds, and sleep.

Those were the good old days... 

Now as I sit here, alone again, in the house that my dad is supposed to believing in with me, and I cant help but be a little sad. I really wish things could be like that again. I remember just always feeling like things were just right on days like that. Like even though everything could be going terribly wrong, at least on nights like this, we could all just be happy. But now, its all just broken homes, and non existent families. There is no feeling of belonging or togetherness, just a strange emptiness where only the ache for those days remains. 

Don't get me wrong, I understand that things change. I know I'm a grown up now and obviously these things aren't going to be the same as when I was 10, but why do they have to be so unrecognizable? It may as well not even be a holiday for me. It feels like a normal everyday Monday night. 

Oh well, I guess this is just another step. One day when I have my own kids, I'm sure ill look back at these years and wonder why I was so dramatic. haha So again, Ill remind myself...its all gonna be ok.

Back to normal...

Its been a pretty long time sense my last entry, mostly because for about the last week and a half I have pretty much been going going going non stop. I got an awesome new job! So I was in training for about a week for that, ALL DAY EVERY DAY! But I love it, so I cant complain too much. And honestly, this new job kinda feels like it may be the starting point of a good time in my life.

 I'm finally doing something I like, at a good place, with good people. It just makes me happier, so now I feel happier in the other parts of my life:) I went on my first real date, in a very long time. With a pretty cool guy. I don't know if its gonna go anywhere or not, but just the fact that it happened was kinda cool(as lame as that sounds lol). My dad and I moved into a new house, so I finally feel like I belong somewhere again. I feel like things may actually be going my way! I just feel like I'm me again. For the first time in a long time, I look in the mirror and can actually recognize myself again. 

So now that I'm officially out of whatever funk I've been in for the last few months, Ive come up with a plan... Come spring semester I'm really gonna crack down and get back on track with school. I'm gonna start saving money so I can get into my own place by next year.  And I'm gonna work on just being happy and enjoying my life. I just really want to get my life back to normal.    

Battle Scars...

So, in true Ally fashion, I'm once again going to be an emotional ping pong ball, and go from being totally and utterly defeated last night to light and optimistic tonight... enjoy!

I know life is hard, and I am the worst at seeing the bright side of my own situations. This is one of my biggest flaws! I can talk anyone else up out of the gutter, brush them off, and really make them believe that its all going to be okay. But when it comes to my own issues... Ya, not gonna happen. I tend to let my issues way on my heart. I never ask for help and I try not to complain(at least outside of this blog). I take on responsibility and obligation right and left and before I know it, I'm a frazzled, stressed out mess. 

I need to become okay with the fact that I'm going to need help. I'm going to need a lot of help, and more than just once or twice. I'm going to be having to ask people for help for my whole life! No one can do this alone, so I need to stop thinking that asking is weak, or that I'm putting someone else out by needing their help. And you know what... I am so blessed to have so many people around me, just waiting for me to ask for help. The only reason I feel alone in this life is because I make it that way. I know this isn't going to stop over night, but I think the sheer recognition of that fact is a small step in the right direction. 

Next, I need to understand that sometimes, I have to say no. No, I cant come in early and stay late. No I'm sorry, I can not be the emotional buffer of this sometimes psychotic family! No I'm sorry, I cant always be the nice one, or the strong one, or the rock. I need to start saying yes to the things that will make me a better person. Like yes, I will cry all alone in my car, because it makes me feel better! And yes, i do need your help. 

Finally, I need to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself!! that's is one of the biggest problems right there. Yes, I'm going through a lot right now. My life is changing in so many ways I cant even keep up. But I'm not sick, no one is dying. I got a speeding ticket, I didn't total my car. I'm so lucky! I have so much going for me. I have the opportunity to fall apart with complete faith that when the time is right I can pull it all back together. I just need to breath, and just keep pushing. Enough of this petty non-sense. Enough being so sad over things that I can not change! That's right! I said it... I CAN NOT CHANGE THEM! So instead of dwelling, I'm moving on. I'm leaving those things behind, they are worthless to me. I'm not saying that I'm walking away without a few battle scars, but one day these scars are going to make a great story. 

♥ ♥

Tears and a Fake Smile...

Ever have one of those moments when you just want to burst into tears, but you cant? That moment where you know you could probably feel better if you could just cry. Not the cute, girly, one glistening tear on your cheek, kind of crying. Oh no, that will not do. You need the hard core, ugly, snot and mascara every where kind of crying. When all you want to do is just let all the frustration and pain just flow out of you with those tears, but not one tear will fall...

I had one of those moments today. The worst part of that is that I don't know whether to be happy or pissed about that... I mean, maybe I couldn't cry because I'm a strong woman and I know deep down in my heart that it is all going to be okay someday. But it kinda feels like I just can not seem to let go and release my feelings and just feel better. I feel like I keep everything so bottled up, so tightly wound, that one of these days I'm gonna hit my breaking point. And trust me, it wont be pretty. 21 years of pent up aggression just released on the world could never lead to good things.

This entry is short and sweet, I know, I just needed a mild vent session. Tomorrow is another day. Lets all hope a better one...

♥♥

"I feel like I'm facing everything by myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile..."

No Fear...

"The purpose of life is to live it. To taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience..."

-Elinor Roosevelt

I've made a decision. I've decided to stop waiting for opportunities to come my way, and go after them. I'm going to stop letting other people be such an influence on my life and my happiness. I've decided to stop being so damn hard on myself. I've decided to have more fun and stress less. So I guess I've made multiple decisions...

I don't want to be that old lady who looks back at her life and regrets not enjoying these years. I'm learning so much about myself each and every day. I'm writing my own story. I'm in control. I want to go out and experience life. I want to dance and sing, laugh till I cry, and cry till I laugh. I want to take a road trip. I want to finish school. I want to find a career that I love. Most of all, I just want to be happy. I want all of these things for myself, and I'm going to make them all happen!

I know that I have all the tools necessary. I'm a highly capable human being. I think I am finally past this idea that one day this life is simply going to lay all these things on my door step. I'm ready to go after it all. I'm through being afraid to live. 

For so long I have been terrified that if I actually put myself out there, or really went after something, I would fail. And because of that fear, I simply didn't try. What I never realized is that by not trying I was automatically failing anyway! How Stupid I was! But now here I go. All fear aside. I will take my insecurities and air them to the world. I'm done being afraid of life. I'm through trying to be perfect. I am who I am, and I know what I want out of this life and its time I start getting it.  

I want to know...

So I had a very close friend tell me today, that I am a much stronger woman that I was a year ago.....

Is that true? Am I really a stronger more independent person? I had a phone call today. One from the one person in this world who can seem to wriggle his way under my skin. I wanted so badly to lay down the law, and tell him how it is, but for some reason I just cant! So how am I stronger?? How am i better? I'm still weak, I'm still brittle. I could break at any moment and I feel it. I want so badly to be invincible. I don't know id its possible...

After all this time he still has the power to turn me inside out. All I want from this world right now is to know that I can move on, but he makes it so hard. Or maybe its me... I never want to see any one hurt, so I appease. I appease anyone who will ask anything of me. "No" is apparently not part of my vocabulary these days. 

I ave an ache in my heart. I close my eyes and its all I can feel. How do I get past this?? This is not who i am! I am happy! I am Strong! I take care of ever thing and everyone around me! How is it possible for me to feel so lost? I want to know...

I want to know how it is that I feel so alone in all of this. I want to know why I have to face this world by myself. I want to know why, even though I'm an out going smart, confident girl, I cant seem to connect with anything in this life. 

I want to know who I am! I want to have drive and purpose in my life, I want to know that I have some one to stand beside me and catch me if I happen to fall. But most of all I want to close my eyes and feel like this life is worth it. I want to think back to all my experiences and know that it was all part of the journey. I need to be saved from my own chaotic thoughts...

 I just need to know the truth!

"The truth is, every ones going to hurt you. You just have to decide who's worth the pain..."<3<3

Epiphany

Sometimes Life just sucks! Sometimes life is amazing! There are days when you feel on top of the world and there are nights when loneliness is the only companion you have. This life is crazy and beautiful, and exhausting, and thrilling. Not to mention about a million other things all wrapped into one. I never know how to navigate, and I find myself lost most of the time. Sometimes its scary. Sometimes it feels like I took a wrong turn and now I'm lost in a deep dark forest, with wolves ready to attack at any point. Then other times I wonder off the path and find a beautiful lagoon sparkling in the sunshine, and being lost turns out to be the best thing. 

I tend to think that this life is supposed to be cut and dry. Black and white. I get caught up in the fact that my life is nothing like I had imagined it would be when I was growing up. I get frustrated because things that should be simple, are difficult. I get sad when I feel like I just cant seem to connect with anyone or anything. I'm angry when this life doesn't just open up to me and make everything okay. But recently I had a thought, more of an epiphany actually, maybe I need to open up to it instead. Sitting around waiting for the things in my life to all of a sudden just line up perfectly obviously isn't working. I need to go out and make it happen. I need to go after the things that I want. I need to accept that life is messy and sometimes it hurts, it hurts like hell. But sometimes, if you can hold on and push through, it is so rewarding. 

I've realized that I'm too hard on myself. No one has everything all figured out all of the time. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone falls down sometimes. Its how you recover that really matters. I know I'm not perfect, and I need to understand that that is okay! I don't have to know exactly what I want right this second. And if I mess up..I mess up! I just need to accept it, and fix it, then move one and stop dwelling. Ya, things could be better. They can always be better. But I rarely stop and remember that they could be so much worse. 

So I'm going to work on it. I'm going to take the time to make myself appreciate the things I do have, instead of being sad about what I don't. I'm going to look at myself in the mirror and appreciate myself for my own beauty, instead of feeling insecure about myself. I'm going to praise myself for my talents, not punish myself for my downfalls. When loneliness seeps into my heart, I'm going to embrace it, because there's going to come a day when I wish I could get just a few hours alone. 

I see now that all of these things that I'm going through are all making me the person I'm meant to be. I will be a strong, independent person who can get through anything! I have friends and family who love me. One day I'll meet a guy who is everything I'm looking for. I know that I have so much to offer this world. One day I will shine with all my might, so for now I can settle on sparkling while I'm getting there.

"I'm not afraid to be afraid anymore."

~ Marilyn Monroe 

I'm an idiot

"And if you're smart enough, you learn from your mistakes. You figure it out. You... you think. You realize that life isn't some elaborate stage play with directions for the actors. Life's a mess. It's... it's chaos personified." 

-Serendipity

Ya know that awkward moment when you find yourself pouring your heart out, hoping someone will open up and actually catch all those precious words. Then before you know it you look down to see all your feelings laying there broken on the ground... I've become an expert on these moments. I'm severely good at saying things out loud that I should probably keep to myself. I always find myself feeling things I shouldn't, for people I shouldn't feel them for. Then when I find my self in that position, I can never keep it to myself. I think it might be a sickness...   

I'm just really tired of being that girl. The girl that's never quite good enough. The girl that always ends up alone in the end. I always told myself that I would never be one of those people who becomes hard and callus, but its really hard not to feel like I should just stop letting myself feel anything. I'm sick of putting myself out there to just get pushed down. My heart is tired, my confidence I wavering, and I don't know how much more I can handle. 

Luckily, or possibly unluckily for me, I'll never give up. As much as I want to just close up and stop letting these feelings in, and more importantly out, I never will. I want the movie romance, the spark, the deep, meaningful love that can survive anything. This silly hopeless romantic in me wants to believe that it will all work out. One day I wont have to feel lost anymore. My knight in shining armor will show up and sweep me off my feet. Then we will ride off in to the sunset and live happily ever after.... Right? 

I'm an idiot...

  

What a Douche Bag!!

I can not stand stupid guys!! Who do they think I am?? Sorry love, but I am not some stupid tramp you pick up at a bar and get lucky with! And its these stupid guys who make me happy I'm single!

"To say the truth, reason and love keep little company together now-a-days."

~William Shakespeare

What is wrong with guys these days? I feel like every guy I meet is just a pig headed fool. All they want to do is sleep with you! Then what!? NOTHING! I'm looking for more there guys. I want to be a part of someones life, and make them a part of mine. And for more than just one night... I'm sorry, I'm not the kind of girl who is gonna go home with you after we meet in some shady bar. I'm not ok being your one night stand or your dirty little secret. I'm just not. 

I'm so done with all this kind of shit. Is there any guy out there now a days, who isn't already taken, who wants a good girl in their life? I want a guy to pursue me for a change. I want romance and spark and beauty. I want to know that him being sweet is because he actually wants to see me smile and not because he's hoping it will get me to drop my panties...

Let me give you a hint boys... you do not want a scanky girl! Ya, its all fun when you meet them, but then what? then she is off to the next guy. And same with my girls out there! you don't want a trashy guy! find a guy who wants to talk to you, and not because he can stare at your boobs, but because he wants to know whats in your head. Find a guy who asks you out, doesn't just ask you when your gonna "hang out". Do not settle...EVER! We are all worth so much more than we give ourselves credit for. Own it! Embrace the strong inside of you! Know that you are beautiful and amazing, and some day, he will know it. 

Prince charming is no fairy tail. He is out there, just wait and see....

Something to believe in...

Soooooo today is super cool, ya know why?? Because I officially have my very first and only follower of my randomness of a blog! haha What an accomplishment! Thanks Jen! ;)

Anyway, recently Ive been thinking a lot about "God". I know this is very random and off topic compared to most of my other entries. But tonight I was driving home, and I looked up at the moon and this strange feeling came over me. I can't really describe it, but it was just like a strange kind of silence. And as I drove down the 5 freeway, staring at the moon, which is the same moon I've seen a million other times, on a million other nights, just like this one, I couldn't help but wonder... Is he there? Is there really some omnipotent being watching over all of us, guiding us to do the things we do? Was there really some great magical force that created the earth and the animals, and humans? 

Now religion has always been a very touchy, strange subject for me. I didn't really go to church growing up. Unless you count the phases that my parents went through. Taking my sister and I to church every 3 or 4 years when they were looking for some sort of strength in their own lives. And even in these awkward occasions when I did go, I always felt like people could tell that I was very unsure of what my beliefs were and they were all judging me for that. So instead of digging deeper and trying to form my own opinion of the subject, I simply ignored it. But Ive always had some kind of belief. I don't know if you would call it "God", but I always felt like there was something else, something out there. To this day I don't know what that is, let alone how to explain it.

As I looked at the moon, I wanted so badly to feel connected to something. I wanted to feel like I could break down and start to pray, and feel like I was actually being heard and not just talking to myself. And then I realized something. I don't need to believe that there is a "God" and I don't need to pray. All I need in my life is something to believe in. When I'm sad, and lonely I need to have that belief to pull me through. When I feel like I'm just lost and the walls of my life are caving in, I need something to hold onto. 

Everything in my life has been some kind of let down. I even look at myself and wonder if I'm the kind of person I really want to be. Friends, boyfriends, all kinds of different relationships and situations, come and go like a tide washing away all the promises of opportunity and trust that I'd thought couldn't be broken. Yet, its always the same old story. Things change, just like the tide. Eventually everything must end. 


That's not good enough for me! I want to know that I have that one thing in my life that is true and real and solid. Until then, I'll just have to have hope instead. Hope that one day I'll find that one thing worth believing in...

"When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable." 

~Walt Disney 

Spazzy Free-for-All

A "Spazzy Free-for-All" I like that.
I just stared reading a new book by Elizabeth Gibert and she is quickly becoming my new favorite author. The way she writes and what she has to say seems to be exactly the kind of words that are floating around in my head and I just cant seem to express. A "spazzy free-for-all" for example! what a perfect way to describe my life at this very moment! Everything is just up in the air and so unsure. All the while I have people pulling and tugging at my brittle edges.

Yet she remains calm. Consumed with the idea that there is some sort of balance in the cause. I want to be more like that. I want to find my center. I want to be at peace. Maybe I need to go travel the world for a year. I need to find myself. I want to feel secure and happy and beautiful, just in myself.

Most of all I want to find love. I need a smart, independent, foul mouthed, spiritual, seductive, beautiful guy in my life. I'm so alone. I hate that feeling. Mostly because I know I'm never truly alone. But I want love. I want to give myself to someone who will take me for all that I am and all that I'm not and accept and love me regardless. That's what I want. is that to much to strive for? Should  I settle? Why should I? I want the very best and I think I deserve that. I love myself and I know I'm worth it. One day its all going to work out.

Its all gonna be ok...

A Passionate Life...

Do you ever wonder if life is limitless? Do we have all the chances in the world or do we eventually run out? 

Lately I have been really wondering whether or not I will ever find love again. Ive had the kind of love most people never know in an entire lifetime, so maybe that was my chance... Maybe that was all I get and now I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life! Maybe Ive had my chance to do what I love but I fucked it up. Maybe I've just taken every opportunity and thrown it away without even knowing it...

I feel like my entire life is this constant internal battle. I want so badly to be in love, and I know there are several guys in my life who would die for a chance to be with me. But I never give them that. Is that selfish of me? Is that stupid? Am I just throwing away love when I should be embracing it? When, lets call him guy "A" is all flirty and touchy and I just go along with it, with no real intention of pursuing it, am I tempting fate? Should I just accept that maybe that perfect person isn't out there and I should just settle for what I know I can get? 

But I want so much more. I want passion. I want to be swept away in someones touch and burnt by the fire in a kiss. i want to feel like I'm his priority, not his last resort. I want to be happy and giddy, and silly. I want that excited feeling in my stomach when I see his face. I want to know that late at night, when he is lying awake in bed, its because he cant stop thinking about me. I want it all. 

I'm a fairy tale kind of girl. I know its probably stupid and very unhealthy, but I cant help it. I know that some where out there, there is a guy who is waiting for someone like me to come into his life. And when it happens it will be just like the movies. Cool and clam, yet electric and passionate all at the same time. I'm willing to wait for it. Its just such a lonely wait...

Spark...

I haven't written anything in quite a while. Not for lack of wanting to, more of a lack of a free second! But I'm back and ready to lose myself, and any one who may happen to actually read this rambling I like to call a blog, in yet another one of my rants...

Enjoy!

   I've been having a really hard time lately. I find myself really struggling with a lot of things in my life, but cant quite put my finger on the source of it all. I just look at my life and feel a very out of control, unsure, nervous wreck kind of feeling taking over. This is very much not me. I have always prided myself on being cool, and collected. Being able to see a problem coming, face it, and move on quickly and smoothly to what ever may be coming my way next. Ive never really felt alone until recently. And the one question that keeps spinning around my mind is who am I?

   I'm at this major point in my life where I have some major decisions to make. Its my last year in the band, and once that is done its really time to crack down on getting my degree and actually doing something with my life. But I have no idea what it is I want to do! I feel like everyone around me has a talent, or a passion that pulls them in the direction they need to be going. I haven't found mine yet. And people tell me, oh your young! You'll figure it out! you have plenty of time... But I cant help but feel this twinge of doubt in the pit of my stomach, and it keeps becoming more and more obvious. Do I simply lead a passionless life? How sad is that!? 

   I need some sort of spark! I need love, I need change, I need excitement! I need PASSION! I want to feel something again! Something real and raw. Something beautiful. My life is so boring and predictable. I do the same thing, at the same time, every day of every week so on and so on. I'm young, but I feel like I'm worn down already. 

   I don't sleep, my appetite is very irregular. I'm stressed beyond a healthy point. I burst out in tears, listening to some song on the radio the other day. Out of no where, just tears... Who does that? I want to enjoy my life. I want to go on an adventure, I want to laugh, I want to stay out late, and wake up early. I want to express myself, and really see the beauty of the world. I want to share of of it with someone who loves me.

   I know I have passion. I have more passion than I even know what to do with. I can look at a sunset, or feel a warm breeze on my skin and I just feel this well of emotion come over me. I feel so much. Yet, I have no outlet. I cant paint, I'm not much of a writer, and I honestly just don't think anyone would understand it enough for me to try to explain to a real person. 

  I know I have passion. Now I just need to find a way of channeling that passion into the rest of my life. I need to find something that I can care about, and work on. Something I love. I know eventually it will come. I simply don't know how long I'm supposed to wait. Lucky for me I can be very patient. And I will be. But I certainly can not wait for the time when I can look back on this part of my life and laugh. That is my goal...

Life's Beautiful Lessons

Wanna know what I think? I think that every once in a while life likes to test us. Yup, it likes to present us with these battles that sometimes feel like they just can not be won! We try, and we try and we try, but no matter what we feel like we cant see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, You wanna know what I really think... I think that these tests, these tribulations we all go through are simply life's way of showing us who we are and what we are really capable of. Some people cant handle these tests and crumble under pressure. Some people could get out of these predicaments if they tried but they don't. They keep things just the way they are. They like this constant state of crisis. It makes them feel like their lives are worth something. And I guess that's fine, if that's the kind of life you want to live. There are those who ignore these problems and eventually end up bubbling over one day. Then there are the people who face these issues, head on, scared as shit but not backing down. Its hard and it hurts, and sometimes you just wanna say eff this and quit, crumble. But they don't. My dad is this kind of person. And I look up to him for that. He is strong and stubborn and unwilling to fail, even just for a second. And if he accomplishes nothing else in his life, hes accomplished making me that kind of person. At least I'd like to hope so. 

I look at where I am in my life and I feel somewhat conflicted. I know that I have had tons of help and I have always been supported in every aspect of my life. I've been extremely lucky and blessed. But I also see that a lot of the things I've done in my life I've done for myself, through hard work and pain and hurt and eventually triumph. 

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'" 

Eleanor Roosevelt 

I look at all the things that hurt me in this life, and I feel like each one is a lesson. Maybe I'm alone because I was becoming to dependent on other people. Maybe all of these things that are stressing me out are actually good. I'm confident that life is teaching me how to be the person I am meant to be right now. After all of this I will be a strong, willing, independent person. I kind of feel like there's a light at each end of this tunnel right now. Maybe I'm half way there. I can decide to go back and try to live like I used to, which obviously wasn't doing too much for me. Or I can keep pushing forward and eventually bask in the warmth of the light at the end. And I know this wont be the only hard time in my life, That I'm quite sure of. But at least after this I know that I can keep facing the tests that life puts me through. And Ill tell you one thing... I will always, always come out a better more beautiful person than before.

Liar liar...

"The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool."
-Stephen King 

Sometimes I wonder if anything is what it seems. 

I look at the world around me, and even though right now I'm going through and "up" stage, I see other people and they are going through much different scenarios. I listen to people say one thing then turn around and say something totally different to different people. It really makes me wonder if you can trust anyone these days. How sad is that!? I would love to look at all the people in my life and be able to say that I trust them fully, but in reality it is almost totally opposite!  I have had some of my closest friends totally run away with the trust I had given them. At this point, I think trust fewer people that are close to me than is even healthy! 

I have my sister, my best friend and my dad... and maybe my dog Ricco(lol). Other than that, who can I trust?? And further more, why should I trust them? What constitutes a good reason to trust someone? The are your good friend, we all know how deep that can really run... they have a lot of responsibility, they are usually the best fakers... You love them? My ex, who I trusted with pretty much my entire being, totally betrayed my trust over and over and over again, and I didn't see it for MONTHS! Someone who I thought was my friend threw my trust and feelings away without even a second thought...

I look at my life and I know that I am so extremely lucky fore the things that I have and the people I surround my self with. But I also can help but feel like there is still something missing. I want to be in love. I want to feel like I have someone there for me no matter what, in any situation. But I see the pain Ive gone through, and the pain I see my loved ones going through every day, and I wonder if being alone isn't a safer option. 

But Ive always promised myself I would never become one of those hard hearted people, who resents the things that have happened to them in the past and blames the people in her future. I will never stop believing in the good in the world, and the beauty of love. And i intend to keep that promise to myself fully and completely.

I just hope that one day there is one person who can prove to me that maybe someone, even just one other person in this world, is worth relying on...

The greatest Thing...

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return..."

-Nature boy

You know what the most beautiful thing on this entire world is? To me anyway... love. Love is so simple, if we let it be. It is so pure, and real, and true. Love is something that anyone can have. It is not racist, sexist or bias in anyway. Love can come in so many forms, and is never the same twice. It is stronger than any force on the planet. It has the power to bring people together, even under impossible circumstance, and it can tear people apart just as easily. Love is universal, and it doesn't matter how young or old you are, you can have love...

I'm only 21 years old, and I've already been so deeply in love that I will probably never truly be the same. I met an amazing guy when I was only 15. I fell so hard and fast that I thought the earth might crumble under my feet. I thought we were perfect.

I'm only 21 years old, and I've already been hurt so badly by love that I will probably never truly be the same. The same guy that I thought was amazing, the one that I fell so hard and so fast for... well he also broke my heart. I went through the agony of loving a guy who did not fully appreciate the love I gave. And when it was over, I felt like I would never get over it. Losing him left a gaping hole in my life. I didn't know who I was without him in my life. I thought it had to be me. Somehow I was just not good enough. Somehow I had to make myself better, make him love me again. But as time passed, and I learned more and more about the things that he did, I made the most important discovery of all. That it wasn't me. I did all I could. He was just a boy. He didn't deserve my love. 

But as more and more time passed I began to wonder if I would ever fall in love again. Id had a love that most people only ever dream about, maybe that was my only chance. Maybe that's all I get... But then I look at my life. I have a family filled with people who love me, ya they are a little nuts, but I know they are there for me all the same. I have a great little sister, and an amazing best friend. I have more love in my life than a lot of people ever hope for.

I have faith. I have faith that some day I will find someone to share my life with. And all of my past experiences only make me a stronger person. I will never try to protect my heart because of the hurt Ive felt in the past. Life is full of hurt and disappointment, but at some point these things that hurt you brought you joy, so you should never regret that.   

Karma

Who knew that by simply changing my outlook on life could make things so amazing! 

Ever sense I stopped worrying and started just being happy, I feel like so much has finally started falling into place! I worked out my new work schedule, FINALLY found a second job that works absolutely perfect in my schedule, and just in general I have been feeling better and more confident about myself. 

I'm a big believer in karma. I live my life with the idea that as long as I'm doing good things, and sending good vibes out into the universe, eventually I'm going to get some good karma back. Well, I think its finally working!! I just spent the most awesome weekend in Tahoe with the band. I got to know some new people, went out, had an amazing time, and was just all around happy! Truly, utterly happy, no more of this fake crap. And I feel like it can literally only get better from here as long as I keep up with this new attitude.

“Someday, somewhere – anywhere, unfailingly, you’ll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life.”

— Pablo NerudaI was totally feeling like I was going through some sort of mid- mid life crisis or something just a few days ago. But now I really feel like I have found myself. And its so refreshing to know that I don't need to have every single answer right this second. And I definitely don't need anyone else to make me happy. I feel like I can finally breath again! I'm so excited about every day and I know that I can face every single day with the courage and strength to not only survive but excel. 

Acceptance...

So, this whole blog thing is really new to me. I've never been the kind to sit and write out my feelings for all the world to see, and to be honest, it feels really strange! Over the last few months I've realized what a private person I am when it come to my feelings. I've become really good at just putting on a happy face when all I want to do is give the world the bird. 

But a good friend recently told me that feelings are beautiful. This really struck a chord in my mind. Ive always had this warped idea that people would totally judge me if I ever really let my feeling be known. I never wanted any ones pity, or someone to think that I was weak. But as I became more and more caught up in this masquerade I realised that I stopped letting people in at all. Even the people I'm closes to didn't know how I was really feeling half the time. And because I didn't want people to see my emotions, my thoughts and opinions became non-extant as well. Who is that person?

After all the things that have happened in my life, all the things that are still happening, I couldn't even let myself cry in front of my best friend without feeling totally weak and vulnerable... but not anymore.

This is my life and I'm done hiding from it. Sometimes, I'm sad. Sometimes I'm pissed off. Sometimes I just need someone to listen. I'm most happy when I'm driving, windows down, warm air whipping through my hair, music blasting, and feeling the warm sun on my skin. I see beauty in everything and everyone around me. I have moments when I doubt myself and think I'm weak, but I know deep down that I am a beautifully strong person. And yes, I'm bitter about a lot of things. Ive felt like my whole life I have always taken so little when I always give so much more. But Ive also realized that I'm okay with that. I cry when I watch romantic movies, because I think love is the most beautiful thing in the world. My sister is the most important thing in my life, and the biggest pain in my butt, and I love her more than anything in the world regardless. I have the most amazing best friend any girl could ask for(and I hope she reads this...she knows who she is). I know I'm blessed, but I still wish my life was different in some ways. And I know that I have so much love in my heart, and some day I'm going to find the person who deserves to have it...

This is me. raw, uncensored, and totally honest. I accept that I may never have all the answers. I accept that people may think I'm silly or naive for feeling the way I do. So now the world has to accept that this is me saying I really don't give a shit what they think. I'm learning to redirect my misguided self worth and show myself that I'm perfect in my own messed up way. I'm happy, even when I'm sad, because I know that I am a good person. 

And I'm so excited to see where this new found self confidence can take me...

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." 
— Marilyn Monroe

Little glass buddha...

So not to sound like a total cliche or anything, but over the last few weeks I had almost completely lost my faith in humanity. It seemed like every where I turned people I loved and trusted were just letting me down one by one. I kept getting hurt over and over and over.... No bueno! 
But today at work I was going about my business, running around getting things done, not really thinking about much of anything other than I just flat out did not want to be working. I get sat. This group is just a normal group, just like any other costumers, on any other night, nothing special. I serve them, I smile, I'm friendly, I'm doing my normal thing. They pay their bill and I figure they will leave and that will be that right? Well, as they are leaving on of the woman call me over and tells me about how her brother in law makes these tiny glass Buddha figurines. and she pulls this beautiful little glass Buddha out of her purse and hands it to me. She then proceeds to tell me about how he only gives them out to special people, and that she could tell that even though I was being burdened by life at the moment that she could see that I was a very special person, and she wanted to give me this little gift. 
Who knew that such a small gesture could mean so much! And on top of that, how did this perfect stranger have the capacity to see all of that in me? Life has been taking a major toll on me lately and I have just been feeling really down. But deep inside I knew that no matter what happens I will never be one of those people who becomes hard and jaded. And looking at this beautiful gift totally softens my heart. It really made me see that even when things are hard, they will always get better. Life is full of sadness and disappointment, but it is also so so simply and wonderfully beautiful in so many ways. And I know how lucky I am to just be alive. And true, I may be going through a tough time, but I'm going to get through it!

Its Dark in here...

Life, I've noticed, is all about what you can do for the world you live in. Your skills your talents, even your down falls are what determines what and sometimes who surrounds you in your life. People flock together all over one maybe two things in common with each other. Now depending on who your parents told you to be when you were a kid it may be music, sports, school, or the lack of a direction that connects you with these people.

None of this is permanent. Interests change, skills become better or start to lack, people eventually always move on and find a new world to live in. But what if you don't know where to fit in among all of this? Simply floating around from world to world trying to figure out where you belong can be a pretty lonely trip. Never get to close, to attached. Don't you dare start to love this world or anything in it, because eventually... its gone.

“I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.”

— Diane Ackerman

I'm so ready to be a part of one of these worlds! For real. I'm done watching from the outside, searching for my identity. I look inside myself, I look for what can attach me, and all i see is a very dark empty space. I think its time I shed some light on what makes me who I am. Its time to start living...