I want to know...

So I had a very close friend tell me today, that I am a much stronger woman that I was a year ago.....

Is that true? Am I really a stronger more independent person? I had a phone call today. One from the one person in this world who can seem to wriggle his way under my skin. I wanted so badly to lay down the law, and tell him how it is, but for some reason I just cant! So how am I stronger?? How am i better? I'm still weak, I'm still brittle. I could break at any moment and I feel it. I want so badly to be invincible. I don't know id its possible...

After all this time he still has the power to turn me inside out. All I want from this world right now is to know that I can move on, but he makes it so hard. Or maybe its me... I never want to see any one hurt, so I appease. I appease anyone who will ask anything of me. "No" is apparently not part of my vocabulary these days. 

I ave an ache in my heart. I close my eyes and its all I can feel. How do I get past this?? This is not who i am! I am happy! I am Strong! I take care of ever thing and everyone around me! How is it possible for me to feel so lost? I want to know...

I want to know how it is that I feel so alone in all of this. I want to know why I have to face this world by myself. I want to know why, even though I'm an out going smart, confident girl, I cant seem to connect with anything in this life. 

I want to know who I am! I want to have drive and purpose in my life, I want to know that I have some one to stand beside me and catch me if I happen to fall. But most of all I want to close my eyes and feel like this life is worth it. I want to think back to all my experiences and know that it was all part of the journey. I need to be saved from my own chaotic thoughts...

 I just need to know the truth!

"The truth is, every ones going to hurt you. You just have to decide who's worth the pain..."<3<3