Epiphany

Sometimes Life just sucks! Sometimes life is amazing! There are days when you feel on top of the world and there are nights when loneliness is the only companion you have. This life is crazy and beautiful, and exhausting, and thrilling. Not to mention about a million other things all wrapped into one. I never know how to navigate, and I find myself lost most of the time. Sometimes its scary. Sometimes it feels like I took a wrong turn and now I'm lost in a deep dark forest, with wolves ready to attack at any point. Then other times I wonder off the path and find a beautiful lagoon sparkling in the sunshine, and being lost turns out to be the best thing. 

I tend to think that this life is supposed to be cut and dry. Black and white. I get caught up in the fact that my life is nothing like I had imagined it would be when I was growing up. I get frustrated because things that should be simple, are difficult. I get sad when I feel like I just cant seem to connect with anyone or anything. I'm angry when this life doesn't just open up to me and make everything okay. But recently I had a thought, more of an epiphany actually, maybe I need to open up to it instead. Sitting around waiting for the things in my life to all of a sudden just line up perfectly obviously isn't working. I need to go out and make it happen. I need to go after the things that I want. I need to accept that life is messy and sometimes it hurts, it hurts like hell. But sometimes, if you can hold on and push through, it is so rewarding. 

I've realized that I'm too hard on myself. No one has everything all figured out all of the time. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone falls down sometimes. Its how you recover that really matters. I know I'm not perfect, and I need to understand that that is okay! I don't have to know exactly what I want right this second. And if I mess up..I mess up! I just need to accept it, and fix it, then move one and stop dwelling. Ya, things could be better. They can always be better. But I rarely stop and remember that they could be so much worse. 

So I'm going to work on it. I'm going to take the time to make myself appreciate the things I do have, instead of being sad about what I don't. I'm going to look at myself in the mirror and appreciate myself for my own beauty, instead of feeling insecure about myself. I'm going to praise myself for my talents, not punish myself for my downfalls. When loneliness seeps into my heart, I'm going to embrace it, because there's going to come a day when I wish I could get just a few hours alone. 

I see now that all of these things that I'm going through are all making me the person I'm meant to be. I will be a strong, independent person who can get through anything! I have friends and family who love me. One day I'll meet a guy who is everything I'm looking for. I know that I have so much to offer this world. One day I will shine with all my might, so for now I can settle on sparkling while I'm getting there.

"I'm not afraid to be afraid anymore."

~ Marilyn Monroe