"And if you're smart enough, you learn from your mistakes. You figure it out. You... you think. You realize that life isn't some elaborate stage play with directions for the actors. Life's a mess. It's... it's chaos personified."
-Serendipity
Ya know that awkward moment when you find yourself pouring your heart out, hoping someone will open up and actually catch all those precious words. Then before you know it you look down to see all your feelings laying there broken on the ground... I've become an expert on these moments. I'm severely good at saying things out loud that I should probably keep to myself. I always find myself feeling things I shouldn't, for people I shouldn't feel them for. Then when I find my self in that position, I can never keep it to myself. I think it might be a sickness...
I'm just really tired of being that girl. The girl that's never quite good enough. The girl that always ends up alone in the end. I always told myself that I would never be one of those people who becomes hard and callus, but its really hard not to feel like I should just stop letting myself feel anything. I'm sick of putting myself out there to just get pushed down. My heart is tired, my confidence I wavering, and I don't know how much more I can handle.
Luckily, or possibly unluckily for me, I'll never give up. As much as I want to just close up and stop letting these feelings in, and more importantly out, I never will. I want the movie romance, the spark, the deep, meaningful love that can survive anything. This silly hopeless romantic in me wants to believe that it will all work out. One day I wont have to feel lost anymore. My knight in shining armor will show up and sweep me off my feet. Then we will ride off in to the sunset and live happily ever after.... Right?
I'm an idiot...
Don't you DARE ever give up!! I swear, reading your words I feel such a kindred connection with you. I've always been known as the hard-hearted girl. The one who never let anything touch her, the one with the razor-sharp wit, the one who was "one of the guys".
ReplyDeleteEmbrace the strength these hard times give you. You'll need it. Life is most DEFINITELY chaos personified, and those people that have it easy are going to WISH they had your character and strength later on when the hard stuff happens. Don't let the calluses own you, just recognize them as something to help save on the cost of BandAids. ;)
I promise you, it gets better. You'll find your way to your own version of your "perfect" happiness. Screw the fairytale, write your own ending. So far, it's been working out well for me. ;)
-J