Something to believe in...

Soooooo today is super cool, ya know why?? Because I officially have my very first and only follower of my randomness of a blog! haha What an accomplishment! Thanks Jen! ;)

Anyway, recently Ive been thinking a lot about "God". I know this is very random and off topic compared to most of my other entries. But tonight I was driving home, and I looked up at the moon and this strange feeling came over me. I can't really describe it, but it was just like a strange kind of silence. And as I drove down the 5 freeway, staring at the moon, which is the same moon I've seen a million other times, on a million other nights, just like this one, I couldn't help but wonder... Is he there? Is there really some omnipotent being watching over all of us, guiding us to do the things we do? Was there really some great magical force that created the earth and the animals, and humans? 

Now religion has always been a very touchy, strange subject for me. I didn't really go to church growing up. Unless you count the phases that my parents went through. Taking my sister and I to church every 3 or 4 years when they were looking for some sort of strength in their own lives. And even in these awkward occasions when I did go, I always felt like people could tell that I was very unsure of what my beliefs were and they were all judging me for that. So instead of digging deeper and trying to form my own opinion of the subject, I simply ignored it. But Ive always had some kind of belief. I don't know if you would call it "God", but I always felt like there was something else, something out there. To this day I don't know what that is, let alone how to explain it.

As I looked at the moon, I wanted so badly to feel connected to something. I wanted to feel like I could break down and start to pray, and feel like I was actually being heard and not just talking to myself. And then I realized something. I don't need to believe that there is a "God" and I don't need to pray. All I need in my life is something to believe in. When I'm sad, and lonely I need to have that belief to pull me through. When I feel like I'm just lost and the walls of my life are caving in, I need something to hold onto. 

Everything in my life has been some kind of let down. I even look at myself and wonder if I'm the kind of person I really want to be. Friends, boyfriends, all kinds of different relationships and situations, come and go like a tide washing away all the promises of opportunity and trust that I'd thought couldn't be broken. Yet, its always the same old story. Things change, just like the tide. Eventually everything must end. 


That's not good enough for me! I want to know that I have that one thing in my life that is true and real and solid. Until then, I'll just have to have hope instead. Hope that one day I'll find that one thing worth believing in...

"When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable." 

~Walt Disney