She's Living My Life!!

So I have good news and bad news...

The good news is, I finally have my baby boy Ricco back home with me! I got to pick him up today and he is officially mine again! Its so nice to have him with me again. I missed him like crazy!

The bad news, seeing "Him" again opened up a bunch of old scars. I walked into his beautiful apartment, nicely furnished, beautifully decorated. Fresh Christmas tree shining in the corner. I saw pictures in frames all around me. Shoes lines up at the front door, dogs jumping around, and him, standing right in the middle of all of it. The happiness and love and contentment I felt surrounding this life got into my heart and under my skin. Then I realized... he's not mine anymore. He hasn't been for a long time. This life, this beautiful life I'd always dreamed of, the life I always thought we would share, was being lived by someone else. 

She'd just come into his life! I was the one who put in the time! I cried over him, I let him cry on my shoulder.  I went through hell and back for no reason, all because I loved him so much. I helped him though the darkest part of his life. I had the strength to give him up, so that he could go and do the right thing. And he came back to me. I spent years with him. I thought it would be forever. Then things went wrong, and it all fell apart. He broke my heart! I should hate him, never want to see him again. But when I see him, or talk to him, I feel this twinge in my heart. He's never really left. 

All I want is to move on. I want to be happy. I want that life, the life I deserve. I deserve to be happy. I want to feel that connection with someone again. Seeing him, so happy and in love, its like a double edged sword. It kills me because it should have been me, it was supposed to be me! That kills me... The other edge gives me hope, it gives me hope that its out there and its real. That I can find it, it can be mine too. And ironically, that kills me also. It kills me because I want it so bad. I want this twinge in my heart and stop. I don't want to feel so alone anymore.