This life is such a fickle thing. I find myself lost in the winding labyrinth of my day to day life and emotions. There are so many days when things just feel so hopeless. Like this uneasy, complex situation I find myself in is now the new normal. I wake up with a knot in my stomach, afraid of what that day may throw my way. I see the people around me living their lives in this strange, distant way. They all buzz around me, moving forward, for better or for worse and I'm stuck watching, trying desperately to connect, some way, anyway to them again. Yet I feel like I get left behind, and I'm slipping further and further back.
Then, one day, out of no where, I wake up and see the sun shining through the cracks in the shades covering my bedroom window. I smell fresh coffee, I see my little dog ricco, fast asleep on the pillow next to me, and there's no knot. I open the curtains and feel the sun on my face and am totally absorbed in the simple, yet mystifying beauty of the blue sky, the green grass, the now red and yellow leaves of the trees in my front yard. I feel this welling up of hope and trust and love for this beautiful disaster of a life I'm living. I'm sitting all alone in the middle of my living room, yet I don't feel lonely. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am in love with someone, who will probably never love me back. Yet I revel in the fact that I feel love. I know the struggles,and fears of the people around me, and instead of feel pity, I feel compassion, I understand, and relate. I have this strange sense of faith that one day it will all be ok, and this is not the new normal. This is simply a transition stage. Everything changes, and change is hard, and takes time.
This world isn't half as bad as I sometimes paint it to be. Things get messy and complicated. This life sometimes begins to feel like far too much to handle. There will always be that moment when I feel like giving up completely. But Ive been blessed to have a strong will. The will to push forward, to be brave, and strong and smart. To know that this life is so amazing, and find the absolute and utter beauty in everything and everyone I see. Ive been blessed to have talent,and common sense, and wonderful people in my life. Ive known more love in the short time Ive been on this earth than some people ever dream to have.
So sometimes I hurt, and some times I cry, even for no reason. Sometimes I curse his name because I cant get his face out of my mind when all I want to do is, not feel this way about him. Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try I will never be the person every one thinks I am, or should be. Sometimes I drink a little too much, sometimes I cuss. I'm not perfect and I will probably disappoint a lot of people at one point or another in my life, and probably more than once...
But despite all of that, I will be happy. I will live a lovely and fulfilling life. I will accomplish many things. I will shine and glitter the way I know in my heart I'm meant to. I will be everything I'm meant to be. I will not sit around and wait for this life to open up to me, I will go out and make my own path. Ill discover, and love with all my heart and soul.
I will enjoy this life...
♥
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