Spark...

I haven't written anything in quite a while. Not for lack of wanting to, more of a lack of a free second! But I'm back and ready to lose myself, and any one who may happen to actually read this rambling I like to call a blog, in yet another one of my rants...

Enjoy!

   I've been having a really hard time lately. I find myself really struggling with a lot of things in my life, but cant quite put my finger on the source of it all. I just look at my life and feel a very out of control, unsure, nervous wreck kind of feeling taking over. This is very much not me. I have always prided myself on being cool, and collected. Being able to see a problem coming, face it, and move on quickly and smoothly to what ever may be coming my way next. Ive never really felt alone until recently. And the one question that keeps spinning around my mind is who am I?

   I'm at this major point in my life where I have some major decisions to make. Its my last year in the band, and once that is done its really time to crack down on getting my degree and actually doing something with my life. But I have no idea what it is I want to do! I feel like everyone around me has a talent, or a passion that pulls them in the direction they need to be going. I haven't found mine yet. And people tell me, oh your young! You'll figure it out! you have plenty of time... But I cant help but feel this twinge of doubt in the pit of my stomach, and it keeps becoming more and more obvious. Do I simply lead a passionless life? How sad is that!? 

   I need some sort of spark! I need love, I need change, I need excitement! I need PASSION! I want to feel something again! Something real and raw. Something beautiful. My life is so boring and predictable. I do the same thing, at the same time, every day of every week so on and so on. I'm young, but I feel like I'm worn down already. 

   I don't sleep, my appetite is very irregular. I'm stressed beyond a healthy point. I burst out in tears, listening to some song on the radio the other day. Out of no where, just tears... Who does that? I want to enjoy my life. I want to go on an adventure, I want to laugh, I want to stay out late, and wake up early. I want to express myself, and really see the beauty of the world. I want to share of of it with someone who loves me.

   I know I have passion. I have more passion than I even know what to do with. I can look at a sunset, or feel a warm breeze on my skin and I just feel this well of emotion come over me. I feel so much. Yet, I have no outlet. I cant paint, I'm not much of a writer, and I honestly just don't think anyone would understand it enough for me to try to explain to a real person. 

  I know I have passion. Now I just need to find a way of channeling that passion into the rest of my life. I need to find something that I can care about, and work on. Something I love. I know eventually it will come. I simply don't know how long I'm supposed to wait. Lucky for me I can be very patient. And I will be. But I certainly can not wait for the time when I can look back on this part of my life and laugh. That is my goal...