So remember that "new guy" I wrote about a few weeks ago? Ya, well he turned out to be a complete pig! A lire and just a complete ass hole. So there is yet another notch to add to the belt that is my failed love life. And I've realized that all these jerks I keep dating have caused all of these walls of mine to get taller and stronger, and now I've become my own worst enemy. I'm so sick of guys who see women as nothing but something to use to get what they really want. I'm sick of guys who have no interest in actually being with the girls they want so desperately to sleep with. Then once they do, they bail. What I don't understand is, why try so hard? I'm sure there are plenty of easy girls out there who you could get into be with out having to take them out, put on your stupid, yet convincing dog and pony show. Why is it necessary to hurt the "good girls"? Just because your self worth is all screwed up, don't try to bring me down to your level... I could go on for days! But I'm getting off topic.
The point of this rant is, that because Ive had my trust violated so many times, I'm having a really hard time letting anyone in anymore. Ive met someone. Another someone. Someone I think may actually be a nice guy, a "good guy". But I've numbed myself so much to the point that idk if I can let go enough to make this happen. I have fun with him, he's sweet and funny. He's quirky and a little shy. He's a gentleman. Yet, for some reason, I cant seem to let go and trust him. I cant seem to be myself completely because I'm afraid. I don't even really know what I'm so afraid of. I'm just tired of feeling like maybe I'm not worth all that I think, and I don't think I can handle another rejection.
So where do I go from here? I promised myself I would never be jaded, or let what other people do turn my heart and mind cold. But I think I might be there. And It breaks my heart. I want to give this a chance. I feel like I may have a chance to have something good again, but I'm so sick of hurting and I don't wanna get my hopes up.
This is such a frustrating feeling...
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