Shine on you crazy diamond...

Its 3 am. I'm awake and don't know why. All I know is that my brain wont quit talking to its self, and I cant sleep with all the noise. I feel like I have this heavy fog, bogged over my life these days. I cant find the sunshine I used to love so much. The sunshine that I need and thrive on. I'm living in a constant winter when all I crave is a warm summer day. 

When did I become this person? Who am I? I don't even recognize myself anymore. I used to be able to look in the mirror and see something I was proud of. Don't get me wrong, I'm human. I've always had my insecurities, and I'm by no means perfect or anywhere close. But at least I could look inside myself and know who I was and that above all odds and obstacles I was a good person. Lately, I look and all I see is a lost girl.

I do things these days and I know that all I'm doing is trying to fill some kind of void that I feel in my life. That is the most frustrating part. I am consciously making these shady decisions and actions and I know I'm going to hate myself for it when its all said and done, yet I do it anyway, time after time after time! I drink and party way too much, I eat terribly, I don't sleep. I'm treating my body like crap, and I know it, but I don't stop myself. Why? I throw myself into my shitty job, and make no money. Then I drive home, music blasting most of the time, trying to drown out my thoughts again, keeping myself from barely falling off the edge of an emotional break down. Just to come home to an empty house, and hope that I can find someone to fill my time until I go to bed and not sleep... This is my life! I'm miserable! I'm stressed beyond belief, and lonelier than I've ever felt in my entire life, and some times I just feel totally hopeless. 

What if this is my new forever? I don't know how I can get threw a life with no sparkle. I need to learn to shine on the way I used to. I need to strengthen my soul and soften my heart. I need to learn to let people in, but not let them define me. I need to start facing my problems head on, with confidence and no fear. I need to be the strong woman, and good human being I know I am! I just hope that this is just some phase in my life that I can get over soon, and move forward. I want to love life again... I will love life again.

"Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom,
blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter,
come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!
You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!"

~Pink Floyd

More than a bird, more than a plane...

So here's the first entry of 2012...

Id like to say that I'm sure this is going to be an amazing year. But after the way things have been going I'm quite skeptical. I suppose all there is to do is wait and see.

Anyway, I'm so happy that the holidays are over!! Work was nuts. Trying to balance family and friends and being everywhere at once drove me insane. Most of all I have a whole new understanding of why people say the holidays are so hard. It really is the perfect time of year to remind you of all the things wrong or missing in your life. Unfortunately, I was weak this year and I let myself wallow in the misery, more than I'd like to admit. But everyone has weak moments right? So I'm not gonna be too hard on myself. 

I really want to make this year better. Things in my life got a little out of control recently, but I think I'm ready to let it go and move forward and be a better person. So here is my list of resolutions:

1) Get in shape!

     -I know this is a very generic resolution, but hey if it works, it works. I'm done being self conscious about myself. I know I'm a beautiful person, and I really want my outsides to reflect that. Now, the major difference between a normal weight loss resolution and mine is, I'm not totally concerned with my weight. I honestly care less what that number is. What I want is to start eating better, working out, being more active. I just want to feel healthier. I'm done feeling drained and exhausted. So Its not a weight loss goal as much as a goal to feel better about myself.

2) No more procrastinating!

    -Need I say more??

3) Prioritize...

    - I think this is the most important of all my resolutions. I need to become better at putting whats important first. I need to start spending my money more wisely, I need to be there for the people in my life, I need to make sure I'm keeping all my promises and holding up all my bargains. I have been feeling like the scum of the earth lately and I don't know why. I know I'm a good person, but the pressure gets to me so bad. And this brings me to why I think this is the most important resolution. I need to accept that I'm not perfect. I need to stop caring so much about what people think and what they want me to do and just do what is best for me and the people I love. I need to make my own happiness. 

So there it is, 2012 in a nut shell... MAKE MY OWN HAPPINESS! That is the theme of my year. I'm going to start going out and getting what I want. I'm going to make my life so much more than what Ive been settling for. I'm going to prove to everyone that I'm worth so much more than I get credit for. 

"I can't stand to fly

I'm not that naive

I'm just out to find

The better part of me

I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane

I'm more than some pretty face beside a train"

♥

All I Want for Christmas...

The pail glow of the rainbow lights hanging on the branches of our Christmas tree cast a dim illumination around me. The fire is popping and cracking away. A romantic movie on TV. I'm all bundled up on the couch with a glass of wine, and Ricco snoozing right beside me. With all this beauty around me, I should be as content as can be. But I guess that's why they say the holidays are so hard. Its the perfect time to be reminded of how alone you are. 

Couples swoon as they window shop at the malls and shops around town. People plan ways to make the people in their lives happy. Even at work I cant escape it. Couples come in for romantic candle light dinners, and it makes me want it all. 

This time last year I was in something resembling a relationship... but it wasn't what I wanted. There was no overly romantic holiday moments. The ones that make singles sick and couples fall deeper in love. And I found comfort in the idea that things couldn't stay like this for long. I was sure that by this year I would have found happiness. Yet here I am, as lost as ever, if not more. 

I would give anything to go back to the days when I was a kid. When I really believed that a cute chubby man all dressed in red, with a beard as white as snow was going to come down the chimney and bring me everything I could ever want.

But we all know how that goes... 

So here's my Christmas wish this year...

I wish that that this new year will bring new beginnings. I wish that me and all of the people I love will find peace and happiness in everything we do. But most of all I wish that I can find my way back home. I wish I can find myself again, and be the person I know I am. 

Well, here's to another year come and gone. Here's to the hope of the new year. And I hope everyone has a beautiful and magical holiday. 

What a Beautiful Disaster...

This life is such a fickle thing. I find myself lost in the winding labyrinth of my day to day life and emotions. There are so many days when things just feel so hopeless. Like this uneasy, complex situation I find myself in is now the new normal. I wake up with a knot in my stomach, afraid of what that day may throw my way. I see the people around me living their lives in this strange, distant way. They all buzz around me, moving forward, for better or for worse and I'm stuck watching, trying desperately to connect, some way, anyway to them again. Yet I feel like I get left behind, and I'm slipping further and further back.

Then, one day, out of no where, I wake up and see the sun shining through the cracks in the shades covering my bedroom window. I smell fresh coffee, I see my little dog ricco, fast asleep on the pillow next to me, and there's no knot. I open the curtains and feel the sun on my face and am totally absorbed in the simple, yet mystifying beauty of the blue sky, the green grass, the now red and yellow leaves of the trees in my front yard. I feel this welling up of hope and trust and love for this beautiful disaster of a life I'm living. I'm sitting all alone in the middle of my living room, yet I don't feel lonely. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am in love with someone, who will probably never love me back. Yet I revel in the fact that I feel love. I know the struggles,and fears of the people around me, and instead of feel pity, I feel compassion, I understand, and relate. I have this strange sense of faith that one day it will all be ok, and this is not the new normal. This is simply a transition stage. Everything changes, and change is hard, and takes time.  

This world isn't half as bad as I sometimes paint it to be. Things get messy and complicated. This life sometimes begins to feel like far too much to handle. There will always be that moment when I feel like giving up completely. But Ive been blessed to have a strong will. The will to push forward, to be brave, and strong and smart. To know that this life is so amazing, and find the absolute and utter beauty in everything and everyone I see. Ive been blessed to have talent,and common sense, and wonderful people in my life. Ive known more love in the short time Ive been on this earth than some people ever dream to have. 

So sometimes I hurt, and some times I cry, even for no reason. Sometimes I curse his name because I cant get his face out of my mind when all I want to do is, not feel this way about him. Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try I will never be the person every one thinks I am, or should be. Sometimes I drink a little too much, sometimes I cuss. I'm not perfect and I will probably disappoint a lot of people at one point or another in my life, and probably more than once...

But despite all of that, I will be happy. I will live a lovely and fulfilling life. I will accomplish many things. I will shine and glitter the way I know in my heart I'm meant to. I will be everything I'm meant to be. I will not sit around and wait for this life to open up to me, I will go out and make my own path. Ill discover, and love with all my heart and soul. 

I will enjoy this life...

♥

She's Living My Life!!

So I have good news and bad news...

The good news is, I finally have my baby boy Ricco back home with me! I got to pick him up today and he is officially mine again! Its so nice to have him with me again. I missed him like crazy!

The bad news, seeing "Him" again opened up a bunch of old scars. I walked into his beautiful apartment, nicely furnished, beautifully decorated. Fresh Christmas tree shining in the corner. I saw pictures in frames all around me. Shoes lines up at the front door, dogs jumping around, and him, standing right in the middle of all of it. The happiness and love and contentment I felt surrounding this life got into my heart and under my skin. Then I realized... he's not mine anymore. He hasn't been for a long time. This life, this beautiful life I'd always dreamed of, the life I always thought we would share, was being lived by someone else. 

She'd just come into his life! I was the one who put in the time! I cried over him, I let him cry on my shoulder.  I went through hell and back for no reason, all because I loved him so much. I helped him though the darkest part of his life. I had the strength to give him up, so that he could go and do the right thing. And he came back to me. I spent years with him. I thought it would be forever. Then things went wrong, and it all fell apart. He broke my heart! I should hate him, never want to see him again. But when I see him, or talk to him, I feel this twinge in my heart. He's never really left. 

All I want is to move on. I want to be happy. I want that life, the life I deserve. I deserve to be happy. I want to feel that connection with someone again. Seeing him, so happy and in love, its like a double edged sword. It kills me because it should have been me, it was supposed to be me! That kills me... The other edge gives me hope, it gives me hope that its out there and its real. That I can find it, it can be mine too. And ironically, that kills me also. It kills me because I want it so bad. I want this twinge in my heart and stop. I don't want to feel so alone anymore. 

Memo to all the guys in this world...

Alright guys, I'm gonna do you a favor. Here is what us women want, plain simple and honest. We aren't all looking for the six foot, four, blond hair, blue eyed, Hollister model. You don't have to go out of your way and make these huge, grand gestures. You don't have to spend a fortune, or bend over backwards to make us happy. You don't have to be some hung like a horse sex god, or wanna be porn star. I mean, don't get me wrong, a girl can dream... but you would be surprised at how simple it is to make a good girl happy.

All we want, all we really need is someone who gives a shit. A guy who can be happy just the way he is and know what he is worth, and be content in that. Someone who is happy and not to tough to be excited about it. A guy who will hold us close when we cry, and up when we need a little boost. Someone to be proud of us, even if its just for opening the mayo jar without your help. A man who can understand that sometimes you need to be with your friends, but it doesn't mean you don't love him. He wont play with your emotions, or treat you like just some conquest. He'll text you at lunch just to make sure you feel special, what ever you may be doing. He will take you ice skating, even if it means making a total fool of himself when he falls on his ass, because the smile on your face makes it all worth it. He never takes himself to seriously, but has real goals and ambition that will take him places.   

So boys, my question to you is this... how hard is that!?! 

Scared of the Truth, but Tired of Lies...

So remember that "new guy" I wrote about a few weeks ago? Ya, well he turned out to be a complete pig! A lire and just a complete ass hole. So there is yet another notch to add to the belt that is my failed love life. And I've realized that all these jerks I keep dating have caused all of these walls of mine to get taller and stronger, and now I've become my own worst enemy. I'm so sick of guys who see women as nothing but something to use to get what they really want. I'm sick of guys who have no interest in actually being with the girls they want so desperately to sleep with. Then once they do, they bail. What I don't understand is, why try so hard? I'm sure there are plenty of easy girls out there who you could get into be with out having to take them out, put on your stupid, yet convincing dog and pony show. Why is it necessary to hurt the "good girls"? Just because your self worth is all screwed up, don't try to bring me down to your level... I could go on for days! But I'm getting off topic.

The point of this rant is, that because Ive had my trust violated so many times, I'm having a really hard time letting anyone in anymore. Ive met someone. Another someone. Someone I think may actually be a nice guy, a "good guy". But I've numbed myself so much to the point that idk if I can let go enough to make this happen. I have fun with him, he's sweet and funny. He's quirky and a little shy. He's a gentleman. Yet, for some reason, I cant seem to let go and trust him. I cant seem to be myself completely because I'm afraid. I don't even really know what I'm so afraid of. I'm just tired of feeling like maybe I'm not worth all that I think, and I don't think I can handle another rejection. 

So where do I go from here? I promised myself I would never be jaded, or let what other people do turn my heart and mind cold. But I think I might be there. And It breaks my heart. I want to give this a chance. I feel like I may have a chance to have something good again, but I'm so sick of hurting and I don't wanna get my hopes up. 

This is such a frustrating feeling...