Battle Scars...

So, in true Ally fashion, I'm once again going to be an emotional ping pong ball, and go from being totally and utterly defeated last night to light and optimistic tonight... enjoy!

I know life is hard, and I am the worst at seeing the bright side of my own situations. This is one of my biggest flaws! I can talk anyone else up out of the gutter, brush them off, and really make them believe that its all going to be okay. But when it comes to my own issues... Ya, not gonna happen. I tend to let my issues way on my heart. I never ask for help and I try not to complain(at least outside of this blog). I take on responsibility and obligation right and left and before I know it, I'm a frazzled, stressed out mess. 

I need to become okay with the fact that I'm going to need help. I'm going to need a lot of help, and more than just once or twice. I'm going to be having to ask people for help for my whole life! No one can do this alone, so I need to stop thinking that asking is weak, or that I'm putting someone else out by needing their help. And you know what... I am so blessed to have so many people around me, just waiting for me to ask for help. The only reason I feel alone in this life is because I make it that way. I know this isn't going to stop over night, but I think the sheer recognition of that fact is a small step in the right direction. 

Next, I need to understand that sometimes, I have to say no. No, I cant come in early and stay late. No I'm sorry, I can not be the emotional buffer of this sometimes psychotic family! No I'm sorry, I cant always be the nice one, or the strong one, or the rock. I need to start saying yes to the things that will make me a better person. Like yes, I will cry all alone in my car, because it makes me feel better! And yes, i do need your help. 

Finally, I need to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself!! that's is one of the biggest problems right there. Yes, I'm going through a lot right now. My life is changing in so many ways I cant even keep up. But I'm not sick, no one is dying. I got a speeding ticket, I didn't total my car. I'm so lucky! I have so much going for me. I have the opportunity to fall apart with complete faith that when the time is right I can pull it all back together. I just need to breath, and just keep pushing. Enough of this petty non-sense. Enough being so sad over things that I can not change! That's right! I said it... I CAN NOT CHANGE THEM! So instead of dwelling, I'm moving on. I'm leaving those things behind, they are worthless to me. I'm not saying that I'm walking away without a few battle scars, but one day these scars are going to make a great story. 

♥ ♥

Tears and a Fake Smile...

Ever have one of those moments when you just want to burst into tears, but you cant? That moment where you know you could probably feel better if you could just cry. Not the cute, girly, one glistening tear on your cheek, kind of crying. Oh no, that will not do. You need the hard core, ugly, snot and mascara every where kind of crying. When all you want to do is just let all the frustration and pain just flow out of you with those tears, but not one tear will fall...

I had one of those moments today. The worst part of that is that I don't know whether to be happy or pissed about that... I mean, maybe I couldn't cry because I'm a strong woman and I know deep down in my heart that it is all going to be okay someday. But it kinda feels like I just can not seem to let go and release my feelings and just feel better. I feel like I keep everything so bottled up, so tightly wound, that one of these days I'm gonna hit my breaking point. And trust me, it wont be pretty. 21 years of pent up aggression just released on the world could never lead to good things.

This entry is short and sweet, I know, I just needed a mild vent session. Tomorrow is another day. Lets all hope a better one...

♥♥

"I feel like I'm facing everything by myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile..."

No Fear...

"The purpose of life is to live it. To taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience..."

-Elinor Roosevelt

I've made a decision. I've decided to stop waiting for opportunities to come my way, and go after them. I'm going to stop letting other people be such an influence on my life and my happiness. I've decided to stop being so damn hard on myself. I've decided to have more fun and stress less. So I guess I've made multiple decisions...

I don't want to be that old lady who looks back at her life and regrets not enjoying these years. I'm learning so much about myself each and every day. I'm writing my own story. I'm in control. I want to go out and experience life. I want to dance and sing, laugh till I cry, and cry till I laugh. I want to take a road trip. I want to finish school. I want to find a career that I love. Most of all, I just want to be happy. I want all of these things for myself, and I'm going to make them all happen!

I know that I have all the tools necessary. I'm a highly capable human being. I think I am finally past this idea that one day this life is simply going to lay all these things on my door step. I'm ready to go after it all. I'm through being afraid to live. 

For so long I have been terrified that if I actually put myself out there, or really went after something, I would fail. And because of that fear, I simply didn't try. What I never realized is that by not trying I was automatically failing anyway! How Stupid I was! But now here I go. All fear aside. I will take my insecurities and air them to the world. I'm done being afraid of life. I'm through trying to be perfect. I am who I am, and I know what I want out of this life and its time I start getting it.  

I want to know...

So I had a very close friend tell me today, that I am a much stronger woman that I was a year ago.....

Is that true? Am I really a stronger more independent person? I had a phone call today. One from the one person in this world who can seem to wriggle his way under my skin. I wanted so badly to lay down the law, and tell him how it is, but for some reason I just cant! So how am I stronger?? How am i better? I'm still weak, I'm still brittle. I could break at any moment and I feel it. I want so badly to be invincible. I don't know id its possible...

After all this time he still has the power to turn me inside out. All I want from this world right now is to know that I can move on, but he makes it so hard. Or maybe its me... I never want to see any one hurt, so I appease. I appease anyone who will ask anything of me. "No" is apparently not part of my vocabulary these days. 

I ave an ache in my heart. I close my eyes and its all I can feel. How do I get past this?? This is not who i am! I am happy! I am Strong! I take care of ever thing and everyone around me! How is it possible for me to feel so lost? I want to know...

I want to know how it is that I feel so alone in all of this. I want to know why I have to face this world by myself. I want to know why, even though I'm an out going smart, confident girl, I cant seem to connect with anything in this life. 

I want to know who I am! I want to have drive and purpose in my life, I want to know that I have some one to stand beside me and catch me if I happen to fall. But most of all I want to close my eyes and feel like this life is worth it. I want to think back to all my experiences and know that it was all part of the journey. I need to be saved from my own chaotic thoughts...

 I just need to know the truth!

"The truth is, every ones going to hurt you. You just have to decide who's worth the pain..."<3<3

Epiphany

Sometimes Life just sucks! Sometimes life is amazing! There are days when you feel on top of the world and there are nights when loneliness is the only companion you have. This life is crazy and beautiful, and exhausting, and thrilling. Not to mention about a million other things all wrapped into one. I never know how to navigate, and I find myself lost most of the time. Sometimes its scary. Sometimes it feels like I took a wrong turn and now I'm lost in a deep dark forest, with wolves ready to attack at any point. Then other times I wonder off the path and find a beautiful lagoon sparkling in the sunshine, and being lost turns out to be the best thing. 

I tend to think that this life is supposed to be cut and dry. Black and white. I get caught up in the fact that my life is nothing like I had imagined it would be when I was growing up. I get frustrated because things that should be simple, are difficult. I get sad when I feel like I just cant seem to connect with anyone or anything. I'm angry when this life doesn't just open up to me and make everything okay. But recently I had a thought, more of an epiphany actually, maybe I need to open up to it instead. Sitting around waiting for the things in my life to all of a sudden just line up perfectly obviously isn't working. I need to go out and make it happen. I need to go after the things that I want. I need to accept that life is messy and sometimes it hurts, it hurts like hell. But sometimes, if you can hold on and push through, it is so rewarding. 

I've realized that I'm too hard on myself. No one has everything all figured out all of the time. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone falls down sometimes. Its how you recover that really matters. I know I'm not perfect, and I need to understand that that is okay! I don't have to know exactly what I want right this second. And if I mess up..I mess up! I just need to accept it, and fix it, then move one and stop dwelling. Ya, things could be better. They can always be better. But I rarely stop and remember that they could be so much worse. 

So I'm going to work on it. I'm going to take the time to make myself appreciate the things I do have, instead of being sad about what I don't. I'm going to look at myself in the mirror and appreciate myself for my own beauty, instead of feeling insecure about myself. I'm going to praise myself for my talents, not punish myself for my downfalls. When loneliness seeps into my heart, I'm going to embrace it, because there's going to come a day when I wish I could get just a few hours alone. 

I see now that all of these things that I'm going through are all making me the person I'm meant to be. I will be a strong, independent person who can get through anything! I have friends and family who love me. One day I'll meet a guy who is everything I'm looking for. I know that I have so much to offer this world. One day I will shine with all my might, so for now I can settle on sparkling while I'm getting there.

"I'm not afraid to be afraid anymore."

~ Marilyn Monroe 

I'm an idiot

"And if you're smart enough, you learn from your mistakes. You figure it out. You... you think. You realize that life isn't some elaborate stage play with directions for the actors. Life's a mess. It's... it's chaos personified." 

-Serendipity

Ya know that awkward moment when you find yourself pouring your heart out, hoping someone will open up and actually catch all those precious words. Then before you know it you look down to see all your feelings laying there broken on the ground... I've become an expert on these moments. I'm severely good at saying things out loud that I should probably keep to myself. I always find myself feeling things I shouldn't, for people I shouldn't feel them for. Then when I find my self in that position, I can never keep it to myself. I think it might be a sickness...   

I'm just really tired of being that girl. The girl that's never quite good enough. The girl that always ends up alone in the end. I always told myself that I would never be one of those people who becomes hard and callus, but its really hard not to feel like I should just stop letting myself feel anything. I'm sick of putting myself out there to just get pushed down. My heart is tired, my confidence I wavering, and I don't know how much more I can handle. 

Luckily, or possibly unluckily for me, I'll never give up. As much as I want to just close up and stop letting these feelings in, and more importantly out, I never will. I want the movie romance, the spark, the deep, meaningful love that can survive anything. This silly hopeless romantic in me wants to believe that it will all work out. One day I wont have to feel lost anymore. My knight in shining armor will show up and sweep me off my feet. Then we will ride off in to the sunset and live happily ever after.... Right? 

I'm an idiot...

  

What a Douche Bag!!

I can not stand stupid guys!! Who do they think I am?? Sorry love, but I am not some stupid tramp you pick up at a bar and get lucky with! And its these stupid guys who make me happy I'm single!

"To say the truth, reason and love keep little company together now-a-days."

~William Shakespeare

What is wrong with guys these days? I feel like every guy I meet is just a pig headed fool. All they want to do is sleep with you! Then what!? NOTHING! I'm looking for more there guys. I want to be a part of someones life, and make them a part of mine. And for more than just one night... I'm sorry, I'm not the kind of girl who is gonna go home with you after we meet in some shady bar. I'm not ok being your one night stand or your dirty little secret. I'm just not. 

I'm so done with all this kind of shit. Is there any guy out there now a days, who isn't already taken, who wants a good girl in their life? I want a guy to pursue me for a change. I want romance and spark and beauty. I want to know that him being sweet is because he actually wants to see me smile and not because he's hoping it will get me to drop my panties...

Let me give you a hint boys... you do not want a scanky girl! Ya, its all fun when you meet them, but then what? then she is off to the next guy. And same with my girls out there! you don't want a trashy guy! find a guy who wants to talk to you, and not because he can stare at your boobs, but because he wants to know whats in your head. Find a guy who asks you out, doesn't just ask you when your gonna "hang out". Do not settle...EVER! We are all worth so much more than we give ourselves credit for. Own it! Embrace the strong inside of you! Know that you are beautiful and amazing, and some day, he will know it. 

Prince charming is no fairy tail. He is out there, just wait and see....

Something to believe in...

Soooooo today is super cool, ya know why?? Because I officially have my very first and only follower of my randomness of a blog! haha What an accomplishment! Thanks Jen! ;)

Anyway, recently Ive been thinking a lot about "God". I know this is very random and off topic compared to most of my other entries. But tonight I was driving home, and I looked up at the moon and this strange feeling came over me. I can't really describe it, but it was just like a strange kind of silence. And as I drove down the 5 freeway, staring at the moon, which is the same moon I've seen a million other times, on a million other nights, just like this one, I couldn't help but wonder... Is he there? Is there really some omnipotent being watching over all of us, guiding us to do the things we do? Was there really some great magical force that created the earth and the animals, and humans? 

Now religion has always been a very touchy, strange subject for me. I didn't really go to church growing up. Unless you count the phases that my parents went through. Taking my sister and I to church every 3 or 4 years when they were looking for some sort of strength in their own lives. And even in these awkward occasions when I did go, I always felt like people could tell that I was very unsure of what my beliefs were and they were all judging me for that. So instead of digging deeper and trying to form my own opinion of the subject, I simply ignored it. But Ive always had some kind of belief. I don't know if you would call it "God", but I always felt like there was something else, something out there. To this day I don't know what that is, let alone how to explain it.

As I looked at the moon, I wanted so badly to feel connected to something. I wanted to feel like I could break down and start to pray, and feel like I was actually being heard and not just talking to myself. And then I realized something. I don't need to believe that there is a "God" and I don't need to pray. All I need in my life is something to believe in. When I'm sad, and lonely I need to have that belief to pull me through. When I feel like I'm just lost and the walls of my life are caving in, I need something to hold onto. 

Everything in my life has been some kind of let down. I even look at myself and wonder if I'm the kind of person I really want to be. Friends, boyfriends, all kinds of different relationships and situations, come and go like a tide washing away all the promises of opportunity and trust that I'd thought couldn't be broken. Yet, its always the same old story. Things change, just like the tide. Eventually everything must end. 


That's not good enough for me! I want to know that I have that one thing in my life that is true and real and solid. Until then, I'll just have to have hope instead. Hope that one day I'll find that one thing worth believing in...

"When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable." 

~Walt Disney 

Spazzy Free-for-All

A "Spazzy Free-for-All" I like that.
I just stared reading a new book by Elizabeth Gibert and she is quickly becoming my new favorite author. The way she writes and what she has to say seems to be exactly the kind of words that are floating around in my head and I just cant seem to express. A "spazzy free-for-all" for example! what a perfect way to describe my life at this very moment! Everything is just up in the air and so unsure. All the while I have people pulling and tugging at my brittle edges.

Yet she remains calm. Consumed with the idea that there is some sort of balance in the cause. I want to be more like that. I want to find my center. I want to be at peace. Maybe I need to go travel the world for a year. I need to find myself. I want to feel secure and happy and beautiful, just in myself.

Most of all I want to find love. I need a smart, independent, foul mouthed, spiritual, seductive, beautiful guy in my life. I'm so alone. I hate that feeling. Mostly because I know I'm never truly alone. But I want love. I want to give myself to someone who will take me for all that I am and all that I'm not and accept and love me regardless. That's what I want. is that to much to strive for? Should  I settle? Why should I? I want the very best and I think I deserve that. I love myself and I know I'm worth it. One day its all going to work out.

Its all gonna be ok...