A Passionate Life...

Do you ever wonder if life is limitless? Do we have all the chances in the world or do we eventually run out? 

Lately I have been really wondering whether or not I will ever find love again. Ive had the kind of love most people never know in an entire lifetime, so maybe that was my chance... Maybe that was all I get and now I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life! Maybe Ive had my chance to do what I love but I fucked it up. Maybe I've just taken every opportunity and thrown it away without even knowing it...

I feel like my entire life is this constant internal battle. I want so badly to be in love, and I know there are several guys in my life who would die for a chance to be with me. But I never give them that. Is that selfish of me? Is that stupid? Am I just throwing away love when I should be embracing it? When, lets call him guy "A" is all flirty and touchy and I just go along with it, with no real intention of pursuing it, am I tempting fate? Should I just accept that maybe that perfect person isn't out there and I should just settle for what I know I can get? 

But I want so much more. I want passion. I want to be swept away in someones touch and burnt by the fire in a kiss. i want to feel like I'm his priority, not his last resort. I want to be happy and giddy, and silly. I want that excited feeling in my stomach when I see his face. I want to know that late at night, when he is lying awake in bed, its because he cant stop thinking about me. I want it all. 

I'm a fairy tale kind of girl. I know its probably stupid and very unhealthy, but I cant help it. I know that some where out there, there is a guy who is waiting for someone like me to come into his life. And when it happens it will be just like the movies. Cool and clam, yet electric and passionate all at the same time. I'm willing to wait for it. Its just such a lonely wait...

Spark...

I haven't written anything in quite a while. Not for lack of wanting to, more of a lack of a free second! But I'm back and ready to lose myself, and any one who may happen to actually read this rambling I like to call a blog, in yet another one of my rants...

Enjoy!

   I've been having a really hard time lately. I find myself really struggling with a lot of things in my life, but cant quite put my finger on the source of it all. I just look at my life and feel a very out of control, unsure, nervous wreck kind of feeling taking over. This is very much not me. I have always prided myself on being cool, and collected. Being able to see a problem coming, face it, and move on quickly and smoothly to what ever may be coming my way next. Ive never really felt alone until recently. And the one question that keeps spinning around my mind is who am I?

   I'm at this major point in my life where I have some major decisions to make. Its my last year in the band, and once that is done its really time to crack down on getting my degree and actually doing something with my life. But I have no idea what it is I want to do! I feel like everyone around me has a talent, or a passion that pulls them in the direction they need to be going. I haven't found mine yet. And people tell me, oh your young! You'll figure it out! you have plenty of time... But I cant help but feel this twinge of doubt in the pit of my stomach, and it keeps becoming more and more obvious. Do I simply lead a passionless life? How sad is that!? 

   I need some sort of spark! I need love, I need change, I need excitement! I need PASSION! I want to feel something again! Something real and raw. Something beautiful. My life is so boring and predictable. I do the same thing, at the same time, every day of every week so on and so on. I'm young, but I feel like I'm worn down already. 

   I don't sleep, my appetite is very irregular. I'm stressed beyond a healthy point. I burst out in tears, listening to some song on the radio the other day. Out of no where, just tears... Who does that? I want to enjoy my life. I want to go on an adventure, I want to laugh, I want to stay out late, and wake up early. I want to express myself, and really see the beauty of the world. I want to share of of it with someone who loves me.

   I know I have passion. I have more passion than I even know what to do with. I can look at a sunset, or feel a warm breeze on my skin and I just feel this well of emotion come over me. I feel so much. Yet, I have no outlet. I cant paint, I'm not much of a writer, and I honestly just don't think anyone would understand it enough for me to try to explain to a real person. 

  I know I have passion. Now I just need to find a way of channeling that passion into the rest of my life. I need to find something that I can care about, and work on. Something I love. I know eventually it will come. I simply don't know how long I'm supposed to wait. Lucky for me I can be very patient. And I will be. But I certainly can not wait for the time when I can look back on this part of my life and laugh. That is my goal...

Life's Beautiful Lessons

Wanna know what I think? I think that every once in a while life likes to test us. Yup, it likes to present us with these battles that sometimes feel like they just can not be won! We try, and we try and we try, but no matter what we feel like we cant see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, You wanna know what I really think... I think that these tests, these tribulations we all go through are simply life's way of showing us who we are and what we are really capable of. Some people cant handle these tests and crumble under pressure. Some people could get out of these predicaments if they tried but they don't. They keep things just the way they are. They like this constant state of crisis. It makes them feel like their lives are worth something. And I guess that's fine, if that's the kind of life you want to live. There are those who ignore these problems and eventually end up bubbling over one day. Then there are the people who face these issues, head on, scared as shit but not backing down. Its hard and it hurts, and sometimes you just wanna say eff this and quit, crumble. But they don't. My dad is this kind of person. And I look up to him for that. He is strong and stubborn and unwilling to fail, even just for a second. And if he accomplishes nothing else in his life, hes accomplished making me that kind of person. At least I'd like to hope so. 

I look at where I am in my life and I feel somewhat conflicted. I know that I have had tons of help and I have always been supported in every aspect of my life. I've been extremely lucky and blessed. But I also see that a lot of the things I've done in my life I've done for myself, through hard work and pain and hurt and eventually triumph. 

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'" 

Eleanor Roosevelt 

I look at all the things that hurt me in this life, and I feel like each one is a lesson. Maybe I'm alone because I was becoming to dependent on other people. Maybe all of these things that are stressing me out are actually good. I'm confident that life is teaching me how to be the person I am meant to be right now. After all of this I will be a strong, willing, independent person. I kind of feel like there's a light at each end of this tunnel right now. Maybe I'm half way there. I can decide to go back and try to live like I used to, which obviously wasn't doing too much for me. Or I can keep pushing forward and eventually bask in the warmth of the light at the end. And I know this wont be the only hard time in my life, That I'm quite sure of. But at least after this I know that I can keep facing the tests that life puts me through. And Ill tell you one thing... I will always, always come out a better more beautiful person than before.

Liar liar...

"The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool."
-Stephen King 

Sometimes I wonder if anything is what it seems. 

I look at the world around me, and even though right now I'm going through and "up" stage, I see other people and they are going through much different scenarios. I listen to people say one thing then turn around and say something totally different to different people. It really makes me wonder if you can trust anyone these days. How sad is that!? I would love to look at all the people in my life and be able to say that I trust them fully, but in reality it is almost totally opposite!  I have had some of my closest friends totally run away with the trust I had given them. At this point, I think trust fewer people that are close to me than is even healthy! 

I have my sister, my best friend and my dad... and maybe my dog Ricco(lol). Other than that, who can I trust?? And further more, why should I trust them? What constitutes a good reason to trust someone? The are your good friend, we all know how deep that can really run... they have a lot of responsibility, they are usually the best fakers... You love them? My ex, who I trusted with pretty much my entire being, totally betrayed my trust over and over and over again, and I didn't see it for MONTHS! Someone who I thought was my friend threw my trust and feelings away without even a second thought...

I look at my life and I know that I am so extremely lucky fore the things that I have and the people I surround my self with. But I also can help but feel like there is still something missing. I want to be in love. I want to feel like I have someone there for me no matter what, in any situation. But I see the pain Ive gone through, and the pain I see my loved ones going through every day, and I wonder if being alone isn't a safer option. 

But Ive always promised myself I would never become one of those hard hearted people, who resents the things that have happened to them in the past and blames the people in her future. I will never stop believing in the good in the world, and the beauty of love. And i intend to keep that promise to myself fully and completely.

I just hope that one day there is one person who can prove to me that maybe someone, even just one other person in this world, is worth relying on...

The greatest Thing...

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return..."

-Nature boy

You know what the most beautiful thing on this entire world is? To me anyway... love. Love is so simple, if we let it be. It is so pure, and real, and true. Love is something that anyone can have. It is not racist, sexist or bias in anyway. Love can come in so many forms, and is never the same twice. It is stronger than any force on the planet. It has the power to bring people together, even under impossible circumstance, and it can tear people apart just as easily. Love is universal, and it doesn't matter how young or old you are, you can have love...

I'm only 21 years old, and I've already been so deeply in love that I will probably never truly be the same. I met an amazing guy when I was only 15. I fell so hard and fast that I thought the earth might crumble under my feet. I thought we were perfect.

I'm only 21 years old, and I've already been hurt so badly by love that I will probably never truly be the same. The same guy that I thought was amazing, the one that I fell so hard and so fast for... well he also broke my heart. I went through the agony of loving a guy who did not fully appreciate the love I gave. And when it was over, I felt like I would never get over it. Losing him left a gaping hole in my life. I didn't know who I was without him in my life. I thought it had to be me. Somehow I was just not good enough. Somehow I had to make myself better, make him love me again. But as time passed, and I learned more and more about the things that he did, I made the most important discovery of all. That it wasn't me. I did all I could. He was just a boy. He didn't deserve my love. 

But as more and more time passed I began to wonder if I would ever fall in love again. Id had a love that most people only ever dream about, maybe that was my only chance. Maybe that's all I get... But then I look at my life. I have a family filled with people who love me, ya they are a little nuts, but I know they are there for me all the same. I have a great little sister, and an amazing best friend. I have more love in my life than a lot of people ever hope for.

I have faith. I have faith that some day I will find someone to share my life with. And all of my past experiences only make me a stronger person. I will never try to protect my heart because of the hurt Ive felt in the past. Life is full of hurt and disappointment, but at some point these things that hurt you brought you joy, so you should never regret that.   

Karma

Who knew that by simply changing my outlook on life could make things so amazing! 

Ever sense I stopped worrying and started just being happy, I feel like so much has finally started falling into place! I worked out my new work schedule, FINALLY found a second job that works absolutely perfect in my schedule, and just in general I have been feeling better and more confident about myself. 

I'm a big believer in karma. I live my life with the idea that as long as I'm doing good things, and sending good vibes out into the universe, eventually I'm going to get some good karma back. Well, I think its finally working!! I just spent the most awesome weekend in Tahoe with the band. I got to know some new people, went out, had an amazing time, and was just all around happy! Truly, utterly happy, no more of this fake crap. And I feel like it can literally only get better from here as long as I keep up with this new attitude.

“Someday, somewhere – anywhere, unfailingly, you’ll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life.”

— Pablo NerudaI was totally feeling like I was going through some sort of mid- mid life crisis or something just a few days ago. But now I really feel like I have found myself. And its so refreshing to know that I don't need to have every single answer right this second. And I definitely don't need anyone else to make me happy. I feel like I can finally breath again! I'm so excited about every day and I know that I can face every single day with the courage and strength to not only survive but excel.