All I Want for Christmas...

The pail glow of the rainbow lights hanging on the branches of our Christmas tree cast a dim illumination around me. The fire is popping and cracking away. A romantic movie on TV. I'm all bundled up on the couch with a glass of wine, and Ricco snoozing right beside me. With all this beauty around me, I should be as content as can be. But I guess that's why they say the holidays are so hard. Its the perfect time to be reminded of how alone you are. 

Couples swoon as they window shop at the malls and shops around town. People plan ways to make the people in their lives happy. Even at work I cant escape it. Couples come in for romantic candle light dinners, and it makes me want it all. 

This time last year I was in something resembling a relationship... but it wasn't what I wanted. There was no overly romantic holiday moments. The ones that make singles sick and couples fall deeper in love. And I found comfort in the idea that things couldn't stay like this for long. I was sure that by this year I would have found happiness. Yet here I am, as lost as ever, if not more. 

I would give anything to go back to the days when I was a kid. When I really believed that a cute chubby man all dressed in red, with a beard as white as snow was going to come down the chimney and bring me everything I could ever want.

But we all know how that goes... 

So here's my Christmas wish this year...

I wish that that this new year will bring new beginnings. I wish that me and all of the people I love will find peace and happiness in everything we do. But most of all I wish that I can find my way back home. I wish I can find myself again, and be the person I know I am. 

Well, here's to another year come and gone. Here's to the hope of the new year. And I hope everyone has a beautiful and magical holiday. 

What a Beautiful Disaster...

This life is such a fickle thing. I find myself lost in the winding labyrinth of my day to day life and emotions. There are so many days when things just feel so hopeless. Like this uneasy, complex situation I find myself in is now the new normal. I wake up with a knot in my stomach, afraid of what that day may throw my way. I see the people around me living their lives in this strange, distant way. They all buzz around me, moving forward, for better or for worse and I'm stuck watching, trying desperately to connect, some way, anyway to them again. Yet I feel like I get left behind, and I'm slipping further and further back.

Then, one day, out of no where, I wake up and see the sun shining through the cracks in the shades covering my bedroom window. I smell fresh coffee, I see my little dog ricco, fast asleep on the pillow next to me, and there's no knot. I open the curtains and feel the sun on my face and am totally absorbed in the simple, yet mystifying beauty of the blue sky, the green grass, the now red and yellow leaves of the trees in my front yard. I feel this welling up of hope and trust and love for this beautiful disaster of a life I'm living. I'm sitting all alone in the middle of my living room, yet I don't feel lonely. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am in love with someone, who will probably never love me back. Yet I revel in the fact that I feel love. I know the struggles,and fears of the people around me, and instead of feel pity, I feel compassion, I understand, and relate. I have this strange sense of faith that one day it will all be ok, and this is not the new normal. This is simply a transition stage. Everything changes, and change is hard, and takes time.  

This world isn't half as bad as I sometimes paint it to be. Things get messy and complicated. This life sometimes begins to feel like far too much to handle. There will always be that moment when I feel like giving up completely. But Ive been blessed to have a strong will. The will to push forward, to be brave, and strong and smart. To know that this life is so amazing, and find the absolute and utter beauty in everything and everyone I see. Ive been blessed to have talent,and common sense, and wonderful people in my life. Ive known more love in the short time Ive been on this earth than some people ever dream to have. 

So sometimes I hurt, and some times I cry, even for no reason. Sometimes I curse his name because I cant get his face out of my mind when all I want to do is, not feel this way about him. Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try I will never be the person every one thinks I am, or should be. Sometimes I drink a little too much, sometimes I cuss. I'm not perfect and I will probably disappoint a lot of people at one point or another in my life, and probably more than once...

But despite all of that, I will be happy. I will live a lovely and fulfilling life. I will accomplish many things. I will shine and glitter the way I know in my heart I'm meant to. I will be everything I'm meant to be. I will not sit around and wait for this life to open up to me, I will go out and make my own path. Ill discover, and love with all my heart and soul. 

I will enjoy this life...

♥

She's Living My Life!!

So I have good news and bad news...

The good news is, I finally have my baby boy Ricco back home with me! I got to pick him up today and he is officially mine again! Its so nice to have him with me again. I missed him like crazy!

The bad news, seeing "Him" again opened up a bunch of old scars. I walked into his beautiful apartment, nicely furnished, beautifully decorated. Fresh Christmas tree shining in the corner. I saw pictures in frames all around me. Shoes lines up at the front door, dogs jumping around, and him, standing right in the middle of all of it. The happiness and love and contentment I felt surrounding this life got into my heart and under my skin. Then I realized... he's not mine anymore. He hasn't been for a long time. This life, this beautiful life I'd always dreamed of, the life I always thought we would share, was being lived by someone else. 

She'd just come into his life! I was the one who put in the time! I cried over him, I let him cry on my shoulder.  I went through hell and back for no reason, all because I loved him so much. I helped him though the darkest part of his life. I had the strength to give him up, so that he could go and do the right thing. And he came back to me. I spent years with him. I thought it would be forever. Then things went wrong, and it all fell apart. He broke my heart! I should hate him, never want to see him again. But when I see him, or talk to him, I feel this twinge in my heart. He's never really left. 

All I want is to move on. I want to be happy. I want that life, the life I deserve. I deserve to be happy. I want to feel that connection with someone again. Seeing him, so happy and in love, its like a double edged sword. It kills me because it should have been me, it was supposed to be me! That kills me... The other edge gives me hope, it gives me hope that its out there and its real. That I can find it, it can be mine too. And ironically, that kills me also. It kills me because I want it so bad. I want this twinge in my heart and stop. I don't want to feel so alone anymore.