Memo to all the guys in this world...

Alright guys, I'm gonna do you a favor. Here is what us women want, plain simple and honest. We aren't all looking for the six foot, four, blond hair, blue eyed, Hollister model. You don't have to go out of your way and make these huge, grand gestures. You don't have to spend a fortune, or bend over backwards to make us happy. You don't have to be some hung like a horse sex god, or wanna be porn star. I mean, don't get me wrong, a girl can dream... but you would be surprised at how simple it is to make a good girl happy.

All we want, all we really need is someone who gives a shit. A guy who can be happy just the way he is and know what he is worth, and be content in that. Someone who is happy and not to tough to be excited about it. A guy who will hold us close when we cry, and up when we need a little boost. Someone to be proud of us, even if its just for opening the mayo jar without your help. A man who can understand that sometimes you need to be with your friends, but it doesn't mean you don't love him. He wont play with your emotions, or treat you like just some conquest. He'll text you at lunch just to make sure you feel special, what ever you may be doing. He will take you ice skating, even if it means making a total fool of himself when he falls on his ass, because the smile on your face makes it all worth it. He never takes himself to seriously, but has real goals and ambition that will take him places.   

So boys, my question to you is this... how hard is that!?! 

Scared of the Truth, but Tired of Lies...

So remember that "new guy" I wrote about a few weeks ago? Ya, well he turned out to be a complete pig! A lire and just a complete ass hole. So there is yet another notch to add to the belt that is my failed love life. And I've realized that all these jerks I keep dating have caused all of these walls of mine to get taller and stronger, and now I've become my own worst enemy. I'm so sick of guys who see women as nothing but something to use to get what they really want. I'm sick of guys who have no interest in actually being with the girls they want so desperately to sleep with. Then once they do, they bail. What I don't understand is, why try so hard? I'm sure there are plenty of easy girls out there who you could get into be with out having to take them out, put on your stupid, yet convincing dog and pony show. Why is it necessary to hurt the "good girls"? Just because your self worth is all screwed up, don't try to bring me down to your level... I could go on for days! But I'm getting off topic.

The point of this rant is, that because Ive had my trust violated so many times, I'm having a really hard time letting anyone in anymore. Ive met someone. Another someone. Someone I think may actually be a nice guy, a "good guy". But I've numbed myself so much to the point that idk if I can let go enough to make this happen. I have fun with him, he's sweet and funny. He's quirky and a little shy. He's a gentleman. Yet, for some reason, I cant seem to let go and trust him. I cant seem to be myself completely because I'm afraid. I don't even really know what I'm so afraid of. I'm just tired of feeling like maybe I'm not worth all that I think, and I don't think I can handle another rejection. 

So where do I go from here? I promised myself I would never be jaded, or let what other people do turn my heart and mind cold. But I think I might be there. And It breaks my heart. I want to give this a chance. I feel like I may have a chance to have something good again, but I'm so sick of hurting and I don't wanna get my hopes up. 

This is such a frustrating feeling...

So...here I am again, sitting home alone, thinking. Which we all know can be pretty dangerous for me. But recently my mind has been on a strange track. I cant seem to stop thinking about the future. My senior year in the band is quickly coming to a close( only one more home game!!) and its really got me kinda freaked out. I feel like I'm graduating high school again or something. I think about the fact that this amazing experience is almost over makes me sooo sad! I feel like I'm gonna be loosing so many important people in my life. All of my friends, people who have been supporting me, people I've spent so much time in the last 4 years with. these people, my tuba boys, they have become my family! And the fact that I'm gonna be leaving them makes me feel like I'm gonna be loosing a part of myself. 

then on top of that, I'm scared out of my mind! What is my life gonna be like once this is all over? I put so much of my time into this and I feel like it makes up so much of my life and who I am. What am I gonna do? Who am I gonna be now? As much as I'm tired and burnt out, and just ready to not have to worry about 6:09am call times and uniform melt downs, I don't know if I'm ready to let go of the experience. But I know that I have to. I cant stay, I cant drag myself through another season. I've gotten what I needed out of all of this and now its time to move on. I need to do something with my life. Its time to really buckle down and make the decisions that will shape the rest of my life. 

Its been an amazing ride. I'll never forget this part of my life. I will forever look back on these years and smile because it made me so happy and miserable and special and crazy all at once. Ill never forget the people who made it amazing. And I know I will always secretly wish I could come back to this time, this moment that I realized how beautiful this crazy experience has been. Ill always wish I could go back and slow these years down and cherish every second of it. 

So here's to the most amazing thing I've ever done. Here's to moving on to bigger and brighter things. Here's to figuring out who I am and loving the next chapter of my life as much as I loved this one.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams"

~ Elinor Roosevelt

The good old days...

I remember back when I was a kid and I used to LOVE Halloween. We would go to school and there was candy and parties and all our friends where there. I remember coming home and helping my mom decorate the house. We would spread the fake spider webs, and ghosts, around the front yard. then we would all sit around the table, all covered with news papers, and carve pumpkins. Then my dad would put the candles in them and set them on the planters in the front and my sister and I would change into our costumes. My mom would do our hair and make up and we would always look so cool. Then a whole group of the neighbor kids and parents would get together and we would all go walking through the neighborhood, trick or treating. We knew all the neighbors, and they all new us. It was like a giant block party. We didn't have to worry about poisoned candy, and kidnapping. It was just everyone being happy and having a good time. Then we would all gather at one of our friends houses and have a pot luck dinner. Home made tacos, soup, BBQ, tons of awesome food. Then we would all go home, change back into our regular old selves, crawl into our nice warm beds, and sleep.

Those were the good old days... 

Now as I sit here, alone again, in the house that my dad is supposed to believing in with me, and I cant help but be a little sad. I really wish things could be like that again. I remember just always feeling like things were just right on days like that. Like even though everything could be going terribly wrong, at least on nights like this, we could all just be happy. But now, its all just broken homes, and non existent families. There is no feeling of belonging or togetherness, just a strange emptiness where only the ache for those days remains. 

Don't get me wrong, I understand that things change. I know I'm a grown up now and obviously these things aren't going to be the same as when I was 10, but why do they have to be so unrecognizable? It may as well not even be a holiday for me. It feels like a normal everyday Monday night. 

Oh well, I guess this is just another step. One day when I have my own kids, I'm sure ill look back at these years and wonder why I was so dramatic. haha So again, Ill remind myself...its all gonna be ok.

Back to normal...

Its been a pretty long time sense my last entry, mostly because for about the last week and a half I have pretty much been going going going non stop. I got an awesome new job! So I was in training for about a week for that, ALL DAY EVERY DAY! But I love it, so I cant complain too much. And honestly, this new job kinda feels like it may be the starting point of a good time in my life.

 I'm finally doing something I like, at a good place, with good people. It just makes me happier, so now I feel happier in the other parts of my life:) I went on my first real date, in a very long time. With a pretty cool guy. I don't know if its gonna go anywhere or not, but just the fact that it happened was kinda cool(as lame as that sounds lol). My dad and I moved into a new house, so I finally feel like I belong somewhere again. I feel like things may actually be going my way! I just feel like I'm me again. For the first time in a long time, I look in the mirror and can actually recognize myself again. 

So now that I'm officially out of whatever funk I've been in for the last few months, Ive come up with a plan... Come spring semester I'm really gonna crack down and get back on track with school. I'm gonna start saving money so I can get into my own place by next year.  And I'm gonna work on just being happy and enjoying my life. I just really want to get my life back to normal.    

Battle Scars...

So, in true Ally fashion, I'm once again going to be an emotional ping pong ball, and go from being totally and utterly defeated last night to light and optimistic tonight... enjoy!

I know life is hard, and I am the worst at seeing the bright side of my own situations. This is one of my biggest flaws! I can talk anyone else up out of the gutter, brush them off, and really make them believe that its all going to be okay. But when it comes to my own issues... Ya, not gonna happen. I tend to let my issues way on my heart. I never ask for help and I try not to complain(at least outside of this blog). I take on responsibility and obligation right and left and before I know it, I'm a frazzled, stressed out mess. 

I need to become okay with the fact that I'm going to need help. I'm going to need a lot of help, and more than just once or twice. I'm going to be having to ask people for help for my whole life! No one can do this alone, so I need to stop thinking that asking is weak, or that I'm putting someone else out by needing their help. And you know what... I am so blessed to have so many people around me, just waiting for me to ask for help. The only reason I feel alone in this life is because I make it that way. I know this isn't going to stop over night, but I think the sheer recognition of that fact is a small step in the right direction. 

Next, I need to understand that sometimes, I have to say no. No, I cant come in early and stay late. No I'm sorry, I can not be the emotional buffer of this sometimes psychotic family! No I'm sorry, I cant always be the nice one, or the strong one, or the rock. I need to start saying yes to the things that will make me a better person. Like yes, I will cry all alone in my car, because it makes me feel better! And yes, i do need your help. 

Finally, I need to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself!! that's is one of the biggest problems right there. Yes, I'm going through a lot right now. My life is changing in so many ways I cant even keep up. But I'm not sick, no one is dying. I got a speeding ticket, I didn't total my car. I'm so lucky! I have so much going for me. I have the opportunity to fall apart with complete faith that when the time is right I can pull it all back together. I just need to breath, and just keep pushing. Enough of this petty non-sense. Enough being so sad over things that I can not change! That's right! I said it... I CAN NOT CHANGE THEM! So instead of dwelling, I'm moving on. I'm leaving those things behind, they are worthless to me. I'm not saying that I'm walking away without a few battle scars, but one day these scars are going to make a great story. 

♥ ♥

Tears and a Fake Smile...

Ever have one of those moments when you just want to burst into tears, but you cant? That moment where you know you could probably feel better if you could just cry. Not the cute, girly, one glistening tear on your cheek, kind of crying. Oh no, that will not do. You need the hard core, ugly, snot and mascara every where kind of crying. When all you want to do is just let all the frustration and pain just flow out of you with those tears, but not one tear will fall...

I had one of those moments today. The worst part of that is that I don't know whether to be happy or pissed about that... I mean, maybe I couldn't cry because I'm a strong woman and I know deep down in my heart that it is all going to be okay someday. But it kinda feels like I just can not seem to let go and release my feelings and just feel better. I feel like I keep everything so bottled up, so tightly wound, that one of these days I'm gonna hit my breaking point. And trust me, it wont be pretty. 21 years of pent up aggression just released on the world could never lead to good things.

This entry is short and sweet, I know, I just needed a mild vent session. Tomorrow is another day. Lets all hope a better one...

♥♥

"I feel like I'm facing everything by myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile..."