The good old days...

I remember back when I was a kid and I used to LOVE Halloween. We would go to school and there was candy and parties and all our friends where there. I remember coming home and helping my mom decorate the house. We would spread the fake spider webs, and ghosts, around the front yard. then we would all sit around the table, all covered with news papers, and carve pumpkins. Then my dad would put the candles in them and set them on the planters in the front and my sister and I would change into our costumes. My mom would do our hair and make up and we would always look so cool. Then a whole group of the neighbor kids and parents would get together and we would all go walking through the neighborhood, trick or treating. We knew all the neighbors, and they all new us. It was like a giant block party. We didn't have to worry about poisoned candy, and kidnapping. It was just everyone being happy and having a good time. Then we would all gather at one of our friends houses and have a pot luck dinner. Home made tacos, soup, BBQ, tons of awesome food. Then we would all go home, change back into our regular old selves, crawl into our nice warm beds, and sleep.

Those were the good old days... 

Now as I sit here, alone again, in the house that my dad is supposed to believing in with me, and I cant help but be a little sad. I really wish things could be like that again. I remember just always feeling like things were just right on days like that. Like even though everything could be going terribly wrong, at least on nights like this, we could all just be happy. But now, its all just broken homes, and non existent families. There is no feeling of belonging or togetherness, just a strange emptiness where only the ache for those days remains. 

Don't get me wrong, I understand that things change. I know I'm a grown up now and obviously these things aren't going to be the same as when I was 10, but why do they have to be so unrecognizable? It may as well not even be a holiday for me. It feels like a normal everyday Monday night. 

Oh well, I guess this is just another step. One day when I have my own kids, I'm sure ill look back at these years and wonder why I was so dramatic. haha So again, Ill remind myself...its all gonna be ok.

Back to normal...

Its been a pretty long time sense my last entry, mostly because for about the last week and a half I have pretty much been going going going non stop. I got an awesome new job! So I was in training for about a week for that, ALL DAY EVERY DAY! But I love it, so I cant complain too much. And honestly, this new job kinda feels like it may be the starting point of a good time in my life.

 I'm finally doing something I like, at a good place, with good people. It just makes me happier, so now I feel happier in the other parts of my life:) I went on my first real date, in a very long time. With a pretty cool guy. I don't know if its gonna go anywhere or not, but just the fact that it happened was kinda cool(as lame as that sounds lol). My dad and I moved into a new house, so I finally feel like I belong somewhere again. I feel like things may actually be going my way! I just feel like I'm me again. For the first time in a long time, I look in the mirror and can actually recognize myself again. 

So now that I'm officially out of whatever funk I've been in for the last few months, Ive come up with a plan... Come spring semester I'm really gonna crack down and get back on track with school. I'm gonna start saving money so I can get into my own place by next year.  And I'm gonna work on just being happy and enjoying my life. I just really want to get my life back to normal.    

Battle Scars...

So, in true Ally fashion, I'm once again going to be an emotional ping pong ball, and go from being totally and utterly defeated last night to light and optimistic tonight... enjoy!

I know life is hard, and I am the worst at seeing the bright side of my own situations. This is one of my biggest flaws! I can talk anyone else up out of the gutter, brush them off, and really make them believe that its all going to be okay. But when it comes to my own issues... Ya, not gonna happen. I tend to let my issues way on my heart. I never ask for help and I try not to complain(at least outside of this blog). I take on responsibility and obligation right and left and before I know it, I'm a frazzled, stressed out mess. 

I need to become okay with the fact that I'm going to need help. I'm going to need a lot of help, and more than just once or twice. I'm going to be having to ask people for help for my whole life! No one can do this alone, so I need to stop thinking that asking is weak, or that I'm putting someone else out by needing their help. And you know what... I am so blessed to have so many people around me, just waiting for me to ask for help. The only reason I feel alone in this life is because I make it that way. I know this isn't going to stop over night, but I think the sheer recognition of that fact is a small step in the right direction. 

Next, I need to understand that sometimes, I have to say no. No, I cant come in early and stay late. No I'm sorry, I can not be the emotional buffer of this sometimes psychotic family! No I'm sorry, I cant always be the nice one, or the strong one, or the rock. I need to start saying yes to the things that will make me a better person. Like yes, I will cry all alone in my car, because it makes me feel better! And yes, i do need your help. 

Finally, I need to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself!! that's is one of the biggest problems right there. Yes, I'm going through a lot right now. My life is changing in so many ways I cant even keep up. But I'm not sick, no one is dying. I got a speeding ticket, I didn't total my car. I'm so lucky! I have so much going for me. I have the opportunity to fall apart with complete faith that when the time is right I can pull it all back together. I just need to breath, and just keep pushing. Enough of this petty non-sense. Enough being so sad over things that I can not change! That's right! I said it... I CAN NOT CHANGE THEM! So instead of dwelling, I'm moving on. I'm leaving those things behind, they are worthless to me. I'm not saying that I'm walking away without a few battle scars, but one day these scars are going to make a great story. 

♥ ♥

Tears and a Fake Smile...

Ever have one of those moments when you just want to burst into tears, but you cant? That moment where you know you could probably feel better if you could just cry. Not the cute, girly, one glistening tear on your cheek, kind of crying. Oh no, that will not do. You need the hard core, ugly, snot and mascara every where kind of crying. When all you want to do is just let all the frustration and pain just flow out of you with those tears, but not one tear will fall...

I had one of those moments today. The worst part of that is that I don't know whether to be happy or pissed about that... I mean, maybe I couldn't cry because I'm a strong woman and I know deep down in my heart that it is all going to be okay someday. But it kinda feels like I just can not seem to let go and release my feelings and just feel better. I feel like I keep everything so bottled up, so tightly wound, that one of these days I'm gonna hit my breaking point. And trust me, it wont be pretty. 21 years of pent up aggression just released on the world could never lead to good things.

This entry is short and sweet, I know, I just needed a mild vent session. Tomorrow is another day. Lets all hope a better one...

♥♥

"I feel like I'm facing everything by myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile..."

No Fear...

"The purpose of life is to live it. To taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience..."

-Elinor Roosevelt

I've made a decision. I've decided to stop waiting for opportunities to come my way, and go after them. I'm going to stop letting other people be such an influence on my life and my happiness. I've decided to stop being so damn hard on myself. I've decided to have more fun and stress less. So I guess I've made multiple decisions...

I don't want to be that old lady who looks back at her life and regrets not enjoying these years. I'm learning so much about myself each and every day. I'm writing my own story. I'm in control. I want to go out and experience life. I want to dance and sing, laugh till I cry, and cry till I laugh. I want to take a road trip. I want to finish school. I want to find a career that I love. Most of all, I just want to be happy. I want all of these things for myself, and I'm going to make them all happen!

I know that I have all the tools necessary. I'm a highly capable human being. I think I am finally past this idea that one day this life is simply going to lay all these things on my door step. I'm ready to go after it all. I'm through being afraid to live. 

For so long I have been terrified that if I actually put myself out there, or really went after something, I would fail. And because of that fear, I simply didn't try. What I never realized is that by not trying I was automatically failing anyway! How Stupid I was! But now here I go. All fear aside. I will take my insecurities and air them to the world. I'm done being afraid of life. I'm through trying to be perfect. I am who I am, and I know what I want out of this life and its time I start getting it.  

I want to know...

So I had a very close friend tell me today, that I am a much stronger woman that I was a year ago.....

Is that true? Am I really a stronger more independent person? I had a phone call today. One from the one person in this world who can seem to wriggle his way under my skin. I wanted so badly to lay down the law, and tell him how it is, but for some reason I just cant! So how am I stronger?? How am i better? I'm still weak, I'm still brittle. I could break at any moment and I feel it. I want so badly to be invincible. I don't know id its possible...

After all this time he still has the power to turn me inside out. All I want from this world right now is to know that I can move on, but he makes it so hard. Or maybe its me... I never want to see any one hurt, so I appease. I appease anyone who will ask anything of me. "No" is apparently not part of my vocabulary these days. 

I ave an ache in my heart. I close my eyes and its all I can feel. How do I get past this?? This is not who i am! I am happy! I am Strong! I take care of ever thing and everyone around me! How is it possible for me to feel so lost? I want to know...

I want to know how it is that I feel so alone in all of this. I want to know why I have to face this world by myself. I want to know why, even though I'm an out going smart, confident girl, I cant seem to connect with anything in this life. 

I want to know who I am! I want to have drive and purpose in my life, I want to know that I have some one to stand beside me and catch me if I happen to fall. But most of all I want to close my eyes and feel like this life is worth it. I want to think back to all my experiences and know that it was all part of the journey. I need to be saved from my own chaotic thoughts...

 I just need to know the truth!

"The truth is, every ones going to hurt you. You just have to decide who's worth the pain..."<3<3

Epiphany

Sometimes Life just sucks! Sometimes life is amazing! There are days when you feel on top of the world and there are nights when loneliness is the only companion you have. This life is crazy and beautiful, and exhausting, and thrilling. Not to mention about a million other things all wrapped into one. I never know how to navigate, and I find myself lost most of the time. Sometimes its scary. Sometimes it feels like I took a wrong turn and now I'm lost in a deep dark forest, with wolves ready to attack at any point. Then other times I wonder off the path and find a beautiful lagoon sparkling in the sunshine, and being lost turns out to be the best thing. 

I tend to think that this life is supposed to be cut and dry. Black and white. I get caught up in the fact that my life is nothing like I had imagined it would be when I was growing up. I get frustrated because things that should be simple, are difficult. I get sad when I feel like I just cant seem to connect with anyone or anything. I'm angry when this life doesn't just open up to me and make everything okay. But recently I had a thought, more of an epiphany actually, maybe I need to open up to it instead. Sitting around waiting for the things in my life to all of a sudden just line up perfectly obviously isn't working. I need to go out and make it happen. I need to go after the things that I want. I need to accept that life is messy and sometimes it hurts, it hurts like hell. But sometimes, if you can hold on and push through, it is so rewarding. 

I've realized that I'm too hard on myself. No one has everything all figured out all of the time. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone falls down sometimes. Its how you recover that really matters. I know I'm not perfect, and I need to understand that that is okay! I don't have to know exactly what I want right this second. And if I mess up..I mess up! I just need to accept it, and fix it, then move one and stop dwelling. Ya, things could be better. They can always be better. But I rarely stop and remember that they could be so much worse. 

So I'm going to work on it. I'm going to take the time to make myself appreciate the things I do have, instead of being sad about what I don't. I'm going to look at myself in the mirror and appreciate myself for my own beauty, instead of feeling insecure about myself. I'm going to praise myself for my talents, not punish myself for my downfalls. When loneliness seeps into my heart, I'm going to embrace it, because there's going to come a day when I wish I could get just a few hours alone. 

I see now that all of these things that I'm going through are all making me the person I'm meant to be. I will be a strong, independent person who can get through anything! I have friends and family who love me. One day I'll meet a guy who is everything I'm looking for. I know that I have so much to offer this world. One day I will shine with all my might, so for now I can settle on sparkling while I'm getting there.

"I'm not afraid to be afraid anymore."

~ Marilyn Monroe