Shine on you crazy diamond...

Its 3 am. I'm awake and don't know why. All I know is that my brain wont quit talking to its self, and I cant sleep with all the noise. I feel like I have this heavy fog, bogged over my life these days. I cant find the sunshine I used to love so much. The sunshine that I need and thrive on. I'm living in a constant winter when all I crave is a warm summer day. 

When did I become this person? Who am I? I don't even recognize myself anymore. I used to be able to look in the mirror and see something I was proud of. Don't get me wrong, I'm human. I've always had my insecurities, and I'm by no means perfect or anywhere close. But at least I could look inside myself and know who I was and that above all odds and obstacles I was a good person. Lately, I look and all I see is a lost girl.

I do things these days and I know that all I'm doing is trying to fill some kind of void that I feel in my life. That is the most frustrating part. I am consciously making these shady decisions and actions and I know I'm going to hate myself for it when its all said and done, yet I do it anyway, time after time after time! I drink and party way too much, I eat terribly, I don't sleep. I'm treating my body like crap, and I know it, but I don't stop myself. Why? I throw myself into my shitty job, and make no money. Then I drive home, music blasting most of the time, trying to drown out my thoughts again, keeping myself from barely falling off the edge of an emotional break down. Just to come home to an empty house, and hope that I can find someone to fill my time until I go to bed and not sleep... This is my life! I'm miserable! I'm stressed beyond belief, and lonelier than I've ever felt in my entire life, and some times I just feel totally hopeless. 

What if this is my new forever? I don't know how I can get threw a life with no sparkle. I need to learn to shine on the way I used to. I need to strengthen my soul and soften my heart. I need to learn to let people in, but not let them define me. I need to start facing my problems head on, with confidence and no fear. I need to be the strong woman, and good human being I know I am! I just hope that this is just some phase in my life that I can get over soon, and move forward. I want to love life again... I will love life again.

"Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom,
blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter,
come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!
You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!"

~Pink Floyd