Tonight the heart Aches on me...

Dear Heart Breaker,

                How do you feel? Do you feel better now? Do you feel like you are important and loved? You took my heart and you tore it apart. You made me feel like I mattered for a second. You made me feel like I had a chance. I thought that it could be forever, but forever only lasted until you got bored. Your a heart breaker. I saw the best in you. I saw what you could have been. But you proved me wrong yet again. Yet again Im left in the dust. Wiping away the tears I try to hide from the world. Im acting strong, pretending it doesn't hurt me. Pretending I saw it coming all along and knew you could never feel the same. You took my trust for granted. You made me feel weak. Little do you know your the weak one. Your the one who will be alone and hurt when the world comes crashing down. The joke is on you sweet heart. As much as I wanted you to live up to the expectations I thought I never had, in the back of my mind I prepared to watch you walk away. Because that's all Ive ever known. Ive come to realize that's ok. Its ok, because in the end I'm the strong one. I'm able to own up to my feelings and let my walls down, let someone in. That makes me strong. I find strength in my weakness. I'm strong because I can feel without fear. I can love with out limits and I can be hurt and move on. My heart can be betrayed and I can still find a way to love again. So give me your best shot! Hit me with everything you have. Break my heart, because all it does is make me better. Know that the more you hurt me the stronger I get. So never think that you got the best of me. The best is yet to come baby... the best is yet to come.

...................................................................................................................................................................

Dear Heart Broken,

                  Don't give up. Don't ever fall. Dont ever doubt. You have so much to offer, and someday some one will see all of that. You have the power to give people the benefit of the doubt. When they fail, you have the power to move on. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are imperfectly perfect in your own way, and one day someone as great as you will see all of that. Keep your head up. Keep on pushing forward, because one day it will all be worth it. There is something better out there for you. Don't be sad when you fall. Don't feel inferior when you don't get treated the way you deserve. Your not, but one day you will. Its all going to be ok. Be happy, be content, be you and be great. I know you feel lost sometimes. Like no one will ever love you. Like your not worth their time, not worth their love. But its the exact opposite. They are not worth your love and they are not good enough to love you. Just keep shining baby, one day the clouds will clear.

<3 font="font">

Bleed...

You matter.

You bleed just like everyone else. You have real feelings and emotions just like everyone else. 

You are just and important and special as everyone else.

Sometimes life has a way of getting you down. But you rise above. You are a loving daughter, sister, friend and future wife. 

The world needs you. 

Your beautiful smart and have so much to offer. 

One day some one will see the light in you the way you see the light in so many others.

Yes you fuck up, yes you don't get things right the first second or third try, but you are smart and figure it out eventually. 

One day this life will be everything you thought it could be. 

Once apon a time, happiness is real and its out there. You just have to get through the hard parts of life to appreciate the amazing ones. 

One day it will all be worth it.

I wish I could write a letter to myself. A letter from the future me. A letter proving to me that this is not all in vein. 

Sometimes this world can seem so cruel. 

And other times I cant help but see beauty in everything. 

Just when you want to lay it all down you somehow find the strength to pick it all up and keep pushing forward. 

Life is lonely, and hard and just flat out sucks sometimes. 

The one thing that keeps me up and going is the idea, the dream more like, that this is all part of some bigger plan. 

I'm meant for greatness and maybe all this bad is just to teach me about how good the good is. 

I wish I could see the answers and what my future holds. 

But for now I just sit and wait. 

Hoping that somewhere, some one is waiting for me too.

Screw this crazy world..

                   Someone said something to me tonight and it really got me to thinking... I was talking to this guy and we were talking about pro life and pro choice and all that, and this statement came out of his mouth..."If I ever got a girl pregnant I would probably kill myself because it would pretty much be the end of my life anyway..." What the hell? these words rang so hard in my mind I felt compelled to write about it.

                 This person was so disgusted with the idea of getting someone he had been with pregnant that he would go as extreme as saying he would kill himself. Now, I highly doubt that that would be the case, but just think about that for a minute. Him bringing another life into this world would be so scary and so life ending for him, that he would rather be dead. Now, I'm all about the fact that I am definitely not ready to bring another life into this world, I can barely take care of myself, yet alone another human being. But that seems like a total load of crap to me. 

                Now, this whole conversation leads flawlessly back into the same stupid point that I keep making in this blog. That human beings are basically the scum of the earth these days. Ya, having a baby at this point would suck, hard! But maybe you should think about not sleeping around and fucking everything that moves if your that scared of the risk you take. If you like this person enough to sleep with them, then what should be so hard about raising a child with them? Its not the expense a baby brings or the fact that your in charge of another life, that's so scary, it s COMMITMENT! What is so hard about this concept? You meet someone, you like them enough to become that intimate with them, yet committing is nearly impossible now a days. o one wants to be stuck with one person for the rest of their lives. And I get that  its scary, and its hard. But its life! Suck it up! 

uugghhh... this frustrates me to no end. And there doesn't seem to be a stop to it anytime soon. Screw this crazy world...

Keep your eyes open...

I'm sick and tired...

I'm sick and tired of people treating other people like scum on the bottom of their shoes. I'm sick of people thinking that its OK to look at other as disposable. I'm sick of sick guys who only want to get girls into bed and never want to commit. I'm sick of girls selling themselves short because they think that's all their worth. I'm sick of the people closest to me betraying my trust and love for a few fleeting moments of joy. Is it worth it? Are all of these stupid games worth the loss of these relationship? 

I watch all the people around me, always being content with the fact that this time and place we are all only as valuable as the things we can offer. I know I'm just as screwed up as the next person, but at least I value people, and their feelings, and the fact that they are humans and have feeling and hurt and cry and laugh and feel joy just like and you. 

I'm sick and tired of seeing the people I care about hurt by the people they "love" and that are supposed to "love" them. I'm sick of putting my feelings on the line and having them pushed aside like a used tissue. This is not what life is supposed to be. We should love each other. We should all feel compassion for each other. We should recognize that we are all the same, and at the end of the day all we all want is to feel like our time here is worth something to someone. 

Where did we go so wrong? When did life become a fucked up chain of one night stands and heart breaks? When did having all these walls up to keep everyone out become the norm? We all have to keep our feet ready, waiting for the second we know is coming, that we have to run. We keep our eyes open, even when we're sleeping because there is the assumption that everyone could turn on us at the drop of a hat. Trust is gone, commitment is gone, love is gone. We are all afraid. We're all cowards. 

Is this the world I want to live in? The world I want to bring my children into? No way! Is there anyone out there who isn't afraid to just be who they are. To not worry about what everyone thinks, and follow their hearts? And if so, where are those people. All you hear about is hate and crime and sorrow. Cant we all just get back to the fundamentals? Where is the love...

"So here you are, two steps ahead and staying on guard

                                Every lesson forms a new scar
                         They never thought you'd make it this far
                        But turn around, oh they've surrounded you
                   It's a showdown and nobody comes to save you now"

                                            -Taylor Swift

He's just not into you...

So, about a month and a half ago, an awesome co-worker and I were enjoying lunch and talking about our latest, and most outrageous conquests in the dating world, when she started telling me about what she called her "bible". "He's Just not that Into You". I instantly recognised the title from the movie that came out a few years ago. She told me about how the hilarious writer of this comedic, self-help book, totally opened up her eyes, and how every time she falls into yet another dreary, dead end crush, she thinks of what he'd written. If you've read my blog at all you are well aware of the failure that is my love life recently. So accordingly, I ran strait into the Barnes and Noble next door and bought this book immediately. What did I have to loose, right?

Well, it took me a little while, but I finally finished it. And let me tell you, I think it may have changed my life! Ok, maybe that's slightly dramatic. but I definitely have a whole new perspective on love, dating, and all of the things that I want out of my life and my future man. 

Ive recently been the poster girl for desperation. I was single, and hating life. So, if I was already miserable and alone, what was the big deal about wasting my time with these no good guys? I was still miserable, but at least I had some companionship in my misery. After reading this book it all seems so clear. I'm worth more. I'm beautiful and fun and smart. And most important, I'm worth love! And I'm done wasting the pretty...

So Ive made a decision. No more. No more putting up with crap from worthless guys. No more selling myself short and doing things I don't want to do, and putting up with things I don't deserve for the short term relief it can provide. I'm focusing on me. I'm going to do all of the thing I want to do, alone or not. I have so much to offer, and it may not come easy, but I truly believe that my time will come along and all of the things that this man wrote about will be part of my life. I cant wait! No more wasting my time on guys who are just not that into me...

"Even loneliness is better, because with loneliness you at least have hope and possibility and imagination. But being in a situation where you start to feel hurt and small and rejected, even though it may be a nice little break from the tedium of no dates and no stories to tell your friends, will rob you of your new found confidence and self-esteem. And nothing is worth that."                                

                               ~Liz Tuccillo  

                                    ~"He's Just Not That Into You"

Shine on you crazy diamond...

Its 3 am. I'm awake and don't know why. All I know is that my brain wont quit talking to its self, and I cant sleep with all the noise. I feel like I have this heavy fog, bogged over my life these days. I cant find the sunshine I used to love so much. The sunshine that I need and thrive on. I'm living in a constant winter when all I crave is a warm summer day. 

When did I become this person? Who am I? I don't even recognize myself anymore. I used to be able to look in the mirror and see something I was proud of. Don't get me wrong, I'm human. I've always had my insecurities, and I'm by no means perfect or anywhere close. But at least I could look inside myself and know who I was and that above all odds and obstacles I was a good person. Lately, I look and all I see is a lost girl.

I do things these days and I know that all I'm doing is trying to fill some kind of void that I feel in my life. That is the most frustrating part. I am consciously making these shady decisions and actions and I know I'm going to hate myself for it when its all said and done, yet I do it anyway, time after time after time! I drink and party way too much, I eat terribly, I don't sleep. I'm treating my body like crap, and I know it, but I don't stop myself. Why? I throw myself into my shitty job, and make no money. Then I drive home, music blasting most of the time, trying to drown out my thoughts again, keeping myself from barely falling off the edge of an emotional break down. Just to come home to an empty house, and hope that I can find someone to fill my time until I go to bed and not sleep... This is my life! I'm miserable! I'm stressed beyond belief, and lonelier than I've ever felt in my entire life, and some times I just feel totally hopeless. 

What if this is my new forever? I don't know how I can get threw a life with no sparkle. I need to learn to shine on the way I used to. I need to strengthen my soul and soften my heart. I need to learn to let people in, but not let them define me. I need to start facing my problems head on, with confidence and no fear. I need to be the strong woman, and good human being I know I am! I just hope that this is just some phase in my life that I can get over soon, and move forward. I want to love life again... I will love life again.

"Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom,
blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter,
come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!
You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!"

~Pink Floyd

More than a bird, more than a plane...

So here's the first entry of 2012...

Id like to say that I'm sure this is going to be an amazing year. But after the way things have been going I'm quite skeptical. I suppose all there is to do is wait and see.

Anyway, I'm so happy that the holidays are over!! Work was nuts. Trying to balance family and friends and being everywhere at once drove me insane. Most of all I have a whole new understanding of why people say the holidays are so hard. It really is the perfect time of year to remind you of all the things wrong or missing in your life. Unfortunately, I was weak this year and I let myself wallow in the misery, more than I'd like to admit. But everyone has weak moments right? So I'm not gonna be too hard on myself. 

I really want to make this year better. Things in my life got a little out of control recently, but I think I'm ready to let it go and move forward and be a better person. So here is my list of resolutions:

1) Get in shape!

     -I know this is a very generic resolution, but hey if it works, it works. I'm done being self conscious about myself. I know I'm a beautiful person, and I really want my outsides to reflect that. Now, the major difference between a normal weight loss resolution and mine is, I'm not totally concerned with my weight. I honestly care less what that number is. What I want is to start eating better, working out, being more active. I just want to feel healthier. I'm done feeling drained and exhausted. So Its not a weight loss goal as much as a goal to feel better about myself.

2) No more procrastinating!

    -Need I say more??

3) Prioritize...

    - I think this is the most important of all my resolutions. I need to become better at putting whats important first. I need to start spending my money more wisely, I need to be there for the people in my life, I need to make sure I'm keeping all my promises and holding up all my bargains. I have been feeling like the scum of the earth lately and I don't know why. I know I'm a good person, but the pressure gets to me so bad. And this brings me to why I think this is the most important resolution. I need to accept that I'm not perfect. I need to stop caring so much about what people think and what they want me to do and just do what is best for me and the people I love. I need to make my own happiness. 

So there it is, 2012 in a nut shell... MAKE MY OWN HAPPINESS! That is the theme of my year. I'm going to start going out and getting what I want. I'm going to make my life so much more than what Ive been settling for. I'm going to prove to everyone that I'm worth so much more than I get credit for. 

"I can't stand to fly

I'm not that naive

I'm just out to find

The better part of me

I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane

I'm more than some pretty face beside a train"

♥