Memo to all the guys in this world...

Alright guys, I'm gonna do you a favor. Here is what us women want, plain simple and honest. We aren't all looking for the six foot, four, blond hair, blue eyed, Hollister model. You don't have to go out of your way and make these huge, grand gestures. You don't have to spend a fortune, or bend over backwards to make us happy. You don't have to be some hung like a horse sex god, or wanna be porn star. I mean, don't get me wrong, a girl can dream... but you would be surprised at how simple it is to make a good girl happy.

All we want, all we really need is someone who gives a shit. A guy who can be happy just the way he is and know what he is worth, and be content in that. Someone who is happy and not to tough to be excited about it. A guy who will hold us close when we cry, and up when we need a little boost. Someone to be proud of us, even if its just for opening the mayo jar without your help. A man who can understand that sometimes you need to be with your friends, but it doesn't mean you don't love him. He wont play with your emotions, or treat you like just some conquest. He'll text you at lunch just to make sure you feel special, what ever you may be doing. He will take you ice skating, even if it means making a total fool of himself when he falls on his ass, because the smile on your face makes it all worth it. He never takes himself to seriously, but has real goals and ambition that will take him places.   

So boys, my question to you is this... how hard is that!?! 

Scared of the Truth, but Tired of Lies...

So remember that "new guy" I wrote about a few weeks ago? Ya, well he turned out to be a complete pig! A lire and just a complete ass hole. So there is yet another notch to add to the belt that is my failed love life. And I've realized that all these jerks I keep dating have caused all of these walls of mine to get taller and stronger, and now I've become my own worst enemy. I'm so sick of guys who see women as nothing but something to use to get what they really want. I'm sick of guys who have no interest in actually being with the girls they want so desperately to sleep with. Then once they do, they bail. What I don't understand is, why try so hard? I'm sure there are plenty of easy girls out there who you could get into be with out having to take them out, put on your stupid, yet convincing dog and pony show. Why is it necessary to hurt the "good girls"? Just because your self worth is all screwed up, don't try to bring me down to your level... I could go on for days! But I'm getting off topic.

The point of this rant is, that because Ive had my trust violated so many times, I'm having a really hard time letting anyone in anymore. Ive met someone. Another someone. Someone I think may actually be a nice guy, a "good guy". But I've numbed myself so much to the point that idk if I can let go enough to make this happen. I have fun with him, he's sweet and funny. He's quirky and a little shy. He's a gentleman. Yet, for some reason, I cant seem to let go and trust him. I cant seem to be myself completely because I'm afraid. I don't even really know what I'm so afraid of. I'm just tired of feeling like maybe I'm not worth all that I think, and I don't think I can handle another rejection. 

So where do I go from here? I promised myself I would never be jaded, or let what other people do turn my heart and mind cold. But I think I might be there. And It breaks my heart. I want to give this a chance. I feel like I may have a chance to have something good again, but I'm so sick of hurting and I don't wanna get my hopes up. 

This is such a frustrating feeling...

So...here I am again, sitting home alone, thinking. Which we all know can be pretty dangerous for me. But recently my mind has been on a strange track. I cant seem to stop thinking about the future. My senior year in the band is quickly coming to a close( only one more home game!!) and its really got me kinda freaked out. I feel like I'm graduating high school again or something. I think about the fact that this amazing experience is almost over makes me sooo sad! I feel like I'm gonna be loosing so many important people in my life. All of my friends, people who have been supporting me, people I've spent so much time in the last 4 years with. these people, my tuba boys, they have become my family! And the fact that I'm gonna be leaving them makes me feel like I'm gonna be loosing a part of myself. 

then on top of that, I'm scared out of my mind! What is my life gonna be like once this is all over? I put so much of my time into this and I feel like it makes up so much of my life and who I am. What am I gonna do? Who am I gonna be now? As much as I'm tired and burnt out, and just ready to not have to worry about 6:09am call times and uniform melt downs, I don't know if I'm ready to let go of the experience. But I know that I have to. I cant stay, I cant drag myself through another season. I've gotten what I needed out of all of this and now its time to move on. I need to do something with my life. Its time to really buckle down and make the decisions that will shape the rest of my life. 

Its been an amazing ride. I'll never forget this part of my life. I will forever look back on these years and smile because it made me so happy and miserable and special and crazy all at once. Ill never forget the people who made it amazing. And I know I will always secretly wish I could come back to this time, this moment that I realized how beautiful this crazy experience has been. Ill always wish I could go back and slow these years down and cherish every second of it. 

So here's to the most amazing thing I've ever done. Here's to moving on to bigger and brighter things. Here's to figuring out who I am and loving the next chapter of my life as much as I loved this one.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams"

~ Elinor Roosevelt