Acceptance...

So, this whole blog thing is really new to me. I've never been the kind to sit and write out my feelings for all the world to see, and to be honest, it feels really strange! Over the last few months I've realized what a private person I am when it come to my feelings. I've become really good at just putting on a happy face when all I want to do is give the world the bird. 

But a good friend recently told me that feelings are beautiful. This really struck a chord in my mind. Ive always had this warped idea that people would totally judge me if I ever really let my feeling be known. I never wanted any ones pity, or someone to think that I was weak. But as I became more and more caught up in this masquerade I realised that I stopped letting people in at all. Even the people I'm closes to didn't know how I was really feeling half the time. And because I didn't want people to see my emotions, my thoughts and opinions became non-extant as well. Who is that person?

After all the things that have happened in my life, all the things that are still happening, I couldn't even let myself cry in front of my best friend without feeling totally weak and vulnerable... but not anymore.

This is my life and I'm done hiding from it. Sometimes, I'm sad. Sometimes I'm pissed off. Sometimes I just need someone to listen. I'm most happy when I'm driving, windows down, warm air whipping through my hair, music blasting, and feeling the warm sun on my skin. I see beauty in everything and everyone around me. I have moments when I doubt myself and think I'm weak, but I know deep down that I am a beautifully strong person. And yes, I'm bitter about a lot of things. Ive felt like my whole life I have always taken so little when I always give so much more. But Ive also realized that I'm okay with that. I cry when I watch romantic movies, because I think love is the most beautiful thing in the world. My sister is the most important thing in my life, and the biggest pain in my butt, and I love her more than anything in the world regardless. I have the most amazing best friend any girl could ask for(and I hope she reads this...she knows who she is). I know I'm blessed, but I still wish my life was different in some ways. And I know that I have so much love in my heart, and some day I'm going to find the person who deserves to have it...

This is me. raw, uncensored, and totally honest. I accept that I may never have all the answers. I accept that people may think I'm silly or naive for feeling the way I do. So now the world has to accept that this is me saying I really don't give a shit what they think. I'm learning to redirect my misguided self worth and show myself that I'm perfect in my own messed up way. I'm happy, even when I'm sad, because I know that I am a good person. 

And I'm so excited to see where this new found self confidence can take me...

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." 
— Marilyn Monroe

Little glass buddha...

So not to sound like a total cliche or anything, but over the last few weeks I had almost completely lost my faith in humanity. It seemed like every where I turned people I loved and trusted were just letting me down one by one. I kept getting hurt over and over and over.... No bueno! 
But today at work I was going about my business, running around getting things done, not really thinking about much of anything other than I just flat out did not want to be working. I get sat. This group is just a normal group, just like any other costumers, on any other night, nothing special. I serve them, I smile, I'm friendly, I'm doing my normal thing. They pay their bill and I figure they will leave and that will be that right? Well, as they are leaving on of the woman call me over and tells me about how her brother in law makes these tiny glass Buddha figurines. and she pulls this beautiful little glass Buddha out of her purse and hands it to me. She then proceeds to tell me about how he only gives them out to special people, and that she could tell that even though I was being burdened by life at the moment that she could see that I was a very special person, and she wanted to give me this little gift. 
Who knew that such a small gesture could mean so much! And on top of that, how did this perfect stranger have the capacity to see all of that in me? Life has been taking a major toll on me lately and I have just been feeling really down. But deep inside I knew that no matter what happens I will never be one of those people who becomes hard and jaded. And looking at this beautiful gift totally softens my heart. It really made me see that even when things are hard, they will always get better. Life is full of sadness and disappointment, but it is also so so simply and wonderfully beautiful in so many ways. And I know how lucky I am to just be alive. And true, I may be going through a tough time, but I'm going to get through it!

Its Dark in here...

Life, I've noticed, is all about what you can do for the world you live in. Your skills your talents, even your down falls are what determines what and sometimes who surrounds you in your life. People flock together all over one maybe two things in common with each other. Now depending on who your parents told you to be when you were a kid it may be music, sports, school, or the lack of a direction that connects you with these people.

None of this is permanent. Interests change, skills become better or start to lack, people eventually always move on and find a new world to live in. But what if you don't know where to fit in among all of this? Simply floating around from world to world trying to figure out where you belong can be a pretty lonely trip. Never get to close, to attached. Don't you dare start to love this world or anything in it, because eventually... its gone.

“I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.”

— Diane Ackerman

I'm so ready to be a part of one of these worlds! For real. I'm done watching from the outside, searching for my identity. I look inside myself, I look for what can attach me, and all i see is a very dark empty space. I think its time I shed some light on what makes me who I am. Its time to start living...